I wrote a personal statement for a scholarship that asked for "a short personal statement". Could I have some feedback on how I can improve this?
I have made a good start of the seventeen years I have lived so far on this Earth. I, through my own initiative, coupled with a considerable interest in animals, have gone through an incredible amount of experiences for such a short time. Seventeen years, and I've explored the very heart of Yosemite, trained a puppy that is now a Guide Dog, and chose to get back on the horse's back despite being thrown off of it, again and again. Seventeen years, and I've witnessed the life slip from the eyes of a dog whose owner had chosen euthanasia instead of expensive surgery. I do not mean to be smug or arrogant by stating that I have had more experience than others my age. Rather, by witnessing these events and going through them, I have gained both a sense of empathy for all life on Earth and a strong-willed sense of what is right and wrong. There are many hardships that life on this planet faces, and I am determined to help the world become a better place for all of its inhabitants. I plan to do this by bettering myself through education, starting a zoo specifically for the SSP program, and participating in anything animal-related along the way.
Almost nothing that changes the world for the better is possible without the developed knowledge a college education promises. However, college attendance is notoriously expensive and debt-creating. In light of that, I have decided to transfer to my University of choice (Humboldt CSU) from Merced Community College. I am to gain a Bachelor's degree majoring in Zoology, minoring in business.
I plan on using this education in order to create the world's first SSP-exclusive zoo. The SSP, or Species Survival Program, involves taking species in danger of becoming extinct to be bred in captivity in order to boost their population numbers. This place will be a safe haven for endangered animals only, and it will be used to bring them back from the brink of extinction. My contribution will not only be to animals, but people as well. Successful zoos generate revenue for the communities they are built in, and mine would no-doubt provide a wide range of employment opportunities for those in need of them.
Of course, this dream is still a long way from becoming a reality, and I will need a great deal more education and involvement in order for it ever to succeed in becoming a reality. I do work diligently to gain the experience I know I will someday need, however, it is not nearly enough yet. Between AP classes, raising Guide Dog puppies, and the extensive volunteer work I participate in (listed above), I can be considered fairly active. But, in order accomplish anything significant, I cannot afford to slow down in any way. This is why I dedicate all of my spare time to working with animals; it has given my life purpose to work as diligently as possible for both them and the planet they inhabit. I know that I can help the world become a better place if I can just work hard enough to.
The volunteer list is on another part of the essay, didn't bother posting it.
I have made a good start of the seventeen years I have lived so far on this Earth. I, through my own initiative, coupled with a considerable interest in animals, have gone through an incredible amount of experiences for such a short time. Seventeen years, and I've explored the very heart of Yosemite, trained a puppy that is now a Guide Dog, and chose to get back on the horse's back despite being thrown off of it, again and again. Seventeen years, and I've witnessed the life slip from the eyes of a dog whose owner had chosen euthanasia instead of expensive surgery. I do not mean to be smug or arrogant by stating that I have had more experience than others my age. Rather, by witnessing these events and going through them, I have gained both a sense of empathy for all life on Earth and a strong-willed sense of what is right and wrong. There are many hardships that life on this planet faces, and I am determined to help the world become a better place for all of its inhabitants. I plan to do this by bettering myself through education, starting a zoo specifically for the SSP program, and participating in anything animal-related along the way.
Almost nothing that changes the world for the better is possible without the developed knowledge a college education promises. However, college attendance is notoriously expensive and debt-creating. In light of that, I have decided to transfer to my University of choice (Humboldt CSU) from Merced Community College. I am to gain a Bachelor's degree majoring in Zoology, minoring in business.
I plan on using this education in order to create the world's first SSP-exclusive zoo. The SSP, or Species Survival Program, involves taking species in danger of becoming extinct to be bred in captivity in order to boost their population numbers. This place will be a safe haven for endangered animals only, and it will be used to bring them back from the brink of extinction. My contribution will not only be to animals, but people as well. Successful zoos generate revenue for the communities they are built in, and mine would no-doubt provide a wide range of employment opportunities for those in need of them.
Of course, this dream is still a long way from becoming a reality, and I will need a great deal more education and involvement in order for it ever to succeed in becoming a reality. I do work diligently to gain the experience I know I will someday need, however, it is not nearly enough yet. Between AP classes, raising Guide Dog puppies, and the extensive volunteer work I participate in (listed above), I can be considered fairly active. But, in order accomplish anything significant, I cannot afford to slow down in any way. This is why I dedicate all of my spare time to working with animals; it has given my life purpose to work as diligently as possible for both them and the planet they inhabit. I know that I can help the world become a better place if I can just work hard enough to.
The volunteer list is on another part of the essay, didn't bother posting it.
