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Can someone PLEASE give me feedback on these essays---HELP

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asamanta Senior | Next Rank: 100 Posts Default Avatar
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Can someone PLEASE give me feedback on these essays---HELP

Post Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:23 am
ISSUE

Primary and and secondary education should focus on training students for highly specialized jobs rather than providing them with a broad range of non-specific skills and information.

Discuss ------------

The opinion above states that primary and secondary education should focus on training students for highly specialized jobs rather than providing them with a broad range of non-specific skills and information. I believe that while, it is very important that people gain specific skills to suceed in the competative job market, it is equally important to have knowledge about subject areas not directly relevant to success in one's career. This knowledge is generally attained during an individual's primary and secondary education.

Firstly, the broad range of skills which might not be relevant to training students for highly specialized skills are nevertheless important because they give a person an idea of all aspects of life. Students in thier primary and seconary years of education are not completely aware of what feild they would want to specialize in and hence need information that helps them in determining what area they would want to specialize in.

Secondly, university education stresses on those highly specialized skills necessary to succeed in one's career. Hence primary education need not cover those areas as it would only lead to redundancy. I believe that the role of primary and secondary education is to provide the building blocks that shape an individual's character. Physical education, environmental studies, music and painting are as important as those"highly specialized job training" because they develop an individual's character.

Finally not all students would want to learn them same specialized skills. There might be certain students who would like to enhance their skills in physical training and become a sports person or learn the guitar and become a musician. To determine each one's individual needs would require a lot of resources as not everyone would want to learn the same "specialized skills." Thus primary and secondary education can not be altered to focus on specific specialized skills as these are not universal.

Thus, although primary and secondary education should focus on training students for highly specialized jobs, it should not loose focus from its central goal, that is basically providing building blocks that shape an individuals character.

-----------------------------------------

ARGUMENT

Political organizations that advocate the use of violence to achieve their goals should be prohibited from operating within our country. Such groups are only interested in achieving short term goals which lead to more serious long term problems.

----------------------------------------

Political organizations that advocate the use of violence to achieve its goals can sometimes lead to destruction and devastation. However, that claim that such groups are detrimental to society does not follow the same line of reasoning. These groups might be of great help to certain sections of society. Also the claim that short term solutions can only lead to more serious long term problems is stated without any evidence. Hence the above argument is flawed.

Firstly, political organizations might be of great help to certain sections of society. Take for example the Indian National Congress party that helped tons of Indian's voice their views to the British government during the British rule in india. Although this political organization advocated the use of violence, the organization was critical to India becoming a free of British rule in 1947.

Secondly, the argument assumes that short term solutions lead to more serious long term problems. Short term solutions are often very important in achieving long term goals, irrespective of whether the organizations advocate violence or not.
The argument must also state clearly what constitutes violence. In a free country, such as the United States, to prohibit any political organization is to put a hold on their freedom. As long as the violence or aggressive behavior is not illegal, one can not prohibit a political organization from operating.

Thus although the argument seems to convey a valid point, that political organizations that advocate the use of violence should be prohibited from operating, it is worded to strongly and lacks evidence to support its claims that these groups are detrimental to society.

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VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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Post Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:22 pm
For the Analysis of an Argument essay, you did a nice job pointing out the assumptions that the author has made!

Again, try to proofread for mistakes before you submit. Also, another paragraph (and example) would make your essay longer, and could give you a higher score. Lastly, to further improve your essay, you could come up with ideas of how the author could strengthen his argument.

I'd give this a 4. Good luck!

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VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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Post Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:18 pm
Hi asamanta,

First, for your Analysis of an Issue essay, good job on the format of your essay - the layout makes it very easy to read.

However, to substantiate each of your examples, try to use specific examples that are proper nouns (a name, place, work of literature, etc.) - for example, you could perhaps state, "at XXX University, researchers have found that a good fundamental grasp of mathematics helps students perform better in their classes at the college level, no matter what their major is." Of course, this is just an example (and might not necessarily be true), but it's specific and helps support your point! If you could come up with an example that you've read about or you've specifically had happen to you or someone you know, that would be great.

Lastly, try not to use words like "I," "me," "we," since that's just poor writing practice. Also, try to spend a little more time proofreading for grammatical and spelling errors before you submit the essay.

I'd give this a 3 or 4. Good luck!

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