• 7 CATs FREE!
    If you earn 100 Forum Points

    Engage in the Beat The GMAT forums to earn
    100 points for $49 worth of Veritas practice GMATs FREE

    Veritas Prep
    VERITAS PRACTICE GMAT EXAMS
    Earn 10 Points Per Post
    Earn 10 Points Per Thanks
    Earn 10 Points Per Upvote
    REDEEM NOW

Please rate my essay

This topic has expert replies

rating?

1
1
50%
2
0
No votes
3
0
No votes
4
0
No votes
5
1
50%
6
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 2

User avatar
Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts
Posts: 3
Joined: 04 May 2009
Location: India

Please rate my essay

by roadside_cafe » Sun Jul 19, 2009 7:01 am
Kindly rate the following essay. I'm quite worried about AWA, actually afraid of messing it up big time. GMAT is on 14th Aug. I can allocate an hour everyday. Please highlight improvement areas and if possible please also advice on the strategy that i should adopt.

Thanks in advance..


Here goes:

“It is unrealistic to expect individual nations to make, independently, the sacrifices necessary to conserve energy. International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


===============================================

The issue says that it is unrealistic to expect countries to make sacrifices in isolation, while trying to conserve energy. Further, it says that International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we are to conserve energy resources for future generations. I agree with the stated view. In the rest of the essay I’ll elucidate my views.

The primary reason for my views is that in today’s highly globalised and capitalistic world of cut-throat competition, nobody, be it an individual, a society or a country, will ever make sacrifices on a standalone basis, even if the sacrifices in question are imperative to the extent that if not made they stand to threaten our very existence. Energy conservation initiatives entail a lot of measures that almost invariably hamper a nation’s rate of progress, such as, cutting back on supply of non-renewable energy resources to various industries, increasing duties on products that consume non-renewable energy resources (automobiles for example), pushing for comparatively costlier alternatives of producing energy from renewable sources, etc. So it is quite obvious no nation would like to be the lone scapegoat even if for a noble cause. Consider, for example, China and India, the fastest growing economies of the world. Their thirst for energy resources is growing continuously. If one of them is asked to slow down without the other following suit, it is quite obvious that it will not.

In this scenario where individual sacrifices don’t seem possible, the only way to take effective initiatives towards conserving energy is to make sure that a collective effort is made by all the nations across the globe. As the argument says, international leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations. Both, developing and developed countries should try to develop a set of regulation towards the aim and apply the same to similar extent. The UN can play an important role in this.

Some people might argue that some countries have a greater responsibility towards energy conservation as compared to others because these countries are bigger consumers of non-renewable energy resources, these countries cause more pollution, etc. and hence it is their responsibility to conserve energy. But then that doesn’t mean that without international co-operation and consensus these countries will take required initiatives.

In sum, I agree with the argument that it is not a good idea to expect individual sacrifices from nations. International cooperation & world leadership is what is required to ensure effective energy conservation.

Legendary Member
Posts: 876
Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Thanked: 13 times

Re: Please rate my essay

by ketkoag » Mon Jul 20, 2009 8:25 am
roadside_cafe wrote:Kindly rate the following essay. I'm quite worried about AWA, actually afraid of messing it up big time. GMAT is on 14th Aug. I can allocate an hour everyday. Please highlight improvement areas and if possible please also advice on the strategy that i should adopt.

Thanks in advance..


Here goes:

“It is unrealistic to expect individual nations to make, independently, the sacrifices necessary to conserve energy. International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


===============================================

The issue says that it is unrealistic to expect countries to make sacrifices in isolation, while trying to conserve energy. Further, it says that International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we are to conserve energy resources for future generations. I agree with the stated view. In the rest of the essay I’ll elucidate my views.

The primary reason for my views is that in today’s highly globalised and capitalistic world of cut-throat competition, nobody, be it an individual, a society or a country, will ever make sacrifices on a standalone basis, even if the sacrifices in question are imperative to the extent that if not made they stand to threaten our very existence. Energy conservation initiatives entail a lot of measures that almost invariably hamper a nation’s rate of progress, such as, cutting back on supply of non-renewable energy resources to various industries, increasing duties on products that consume non-renewable energy resources (automobiles for example), pushing for comparatively costlier alternatives of producing energy from renewable sources, etc. So it is quite obvious no nation would like to be the lone scapegoat even if for a noble cause. Consider, for example, China and India, the fastest growing economies of the world. Their thirst for energy resources is growing continuously. If one of them is asked to slow down without the other following suit, it is quite obvious that it will not.

In this scenario where individual sacrifices don’t seem possible, the only way to take effective initiatives towards conserving energy is to make sure that a collective effort is made by all the nations across the globe. As the argument says, international leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations. Both, developing and developed countries should try to develop a set of regulation towards the aim and apply the same to similar extent. The UN can play an important role in this.

Some people might argue that some countries have a greater responsibility towards energy conservation as compared to others because these countries are bigger consumers of non-renewable energy resources, these countries cause more pollution, etc. and hence it is their responsibility to conserve energy. But then that doesn’t mean that without international co-operation and consensus these countries will take required initiatives.

In sum, I agree with the argument that it is not a good idea to expect individual sacrifices from nations. International cooperation & world leadership is what is required to ensure effective energy conservation.
i would give this essay 5 points, although you have a potential to get 6!!
The content of ur passage is quite ok..
Few tips here:
1) refer to a standard essay, u can get that anywhere on the internet, i would suggest that from 800score.com.. or refer to e rater guide..
2)make ur own essay structure that u can use in the test. it will save time in the actual test.
3)use firstly, secondly, .... moreover, nevertheless, the transition words.. to make ur essay more interesting and noticeable..
4)If u r not native speaker, then use simple language, don't use complex words, phrases, etc..
5) Write short and simple sentences.
6) Avoid doing too many grammatical mistakes coz inspite of ur excellent content, the mistakes will lower ur score.
7)keep atleast 3-5 mins at the end to review ur essay(u can eliminate many unnoticeable typing errors and the most dangerous ones).
8)try to make at least 3 body paras excluding the introduction and conclusion and make sure u atleast write this much..
9) Stay in and focus on the topic, don't write too much about the unimportant things, write more about the main topic.
10) give atleast one example to support ur point..
11) whenever u practice the essays, do so under timed condition and always keep 3mins to recheck..

HTH..

Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts
Posts: 6
Joined: 24 Jul 2009
Thanked: 1 times
“It is unrealistic to expect individual nations to make, independently, the sacrifices necessary to conserve energy. International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

I fully support the view that individual nations cannot solve the problem of energy conservation rather collective effort on the part of nations is required to fulfill the objective mentioned. One reason for this view is that the enormity of problem demand solutions which individual nations would not be able to develop on its own. The other reason is that the progress made by some countries in conserving energy can be thwarted by other countries who continue to use energy at much bigger scale. Both these reasons are described in more detail below.

There is no single solution currently available for realizing decrease in consumption scales of energy. The countries which are willing to take steps in this direction may be incapable of developing technologies required but other countries may have the technical know-how for the same. So if the countries cooperate, the solutions that are available in some countries may be helpful for other countries. In this way, the individual nations would not have to reinvent the wheel while trying to solve the energy problem. Moreover , the solutions could be deployed earlier thus saving energy for use later.

The second reason that the net effect of savings done in some countries and of excessive use in other countries could be zero or even negative. This is because new regulations introduced to prevent energy wastage may slow down industrialization in some ways, the cost of which countries introducing these regulations are willing to pay. But other countries may try to cash-in on the reduced competition in the market and promote their own industries thus causing an increase in energy usage. Hence, the sacrifices made by one country should be complemented and not used for their own advantage.

Thus two reasons are responsible for our conclusion that participation of all countries is needed to substantially conserve energy. One, individual countries do not have all the solutions at their disposal which only a collaborative effort between all participating nations can provide. And second, the outcome of efforts put in by some countries to conserve energy is coupled with the energy policies of other countries.


I thought I should first try to write an essay on same topic and then grade you for yours. I found some good things in your essay which were lacking in mine which I encourage you to keep doing.
You have used good example of competition between China and India to support your view that two countries competing globally for markets will join energy conservation campaign simultaneously or both will not join.
Secondly, you have made a good point that in the face of cut-throat competition, cutting back on resource use for countries may not be very lucrative even if the issue at stake is of a choice between survival and extinction of human race.
There were some weak points too in your essay. For example, in the introduction part you reproduced what was given in the topic. I would suggest you to avoid such a tendency.
Also try to make your conclusion a little bit more strong.

I would give you 4.5/6. Now can we can grading of my essay too. Your uninhibited comments are most welcome.

User avatar
GMAT Instructor
Posts: 99
Joined: 05 Mar 2009
Location: NYC
Thanked: 43 times
Followed by:9 members
GMAT Score:800

by Jose Ferreira » Mon Jul 27, 2009 12:22 pm
I would also give this essay a 5. Nice job. With a little fine-tuning, your essays should be able to earn a 6.

Your organization is strong. You introduce a thesis, touch on supporting points in the intro paragraph, and then flesh out those points in the subsequent body paragraphs.

Mainly, this essay did not receive a 6 for the following 2 reasons:

1) The language is choppy. Write shorter sentences to convey more meaning.

2) Stay away from first person pronouns. Just state your case. Don't keep referring to yourself and/or your argument.

Thanks for sharing. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Cheers,
Jose
Jose Ferreira
Founder and CEO, Knewton, Inc.
https://www.knewton.com/gmat