please rate my essay on ISSUE

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please rate my essay on ISSUE

by tochiru » Tue Jun 15, 2010 7:19 pm
GMAT IN 10 days, just started writing. Please rate and give any feedback--thanks a lot

"For hundreds of years, the monetary system of most countries has been based on the exchange of metal coins and printed pieces of paper. However, because of recent developments in technology, the international community should consider replacing the entire system of coins and paper with a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits."
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

During the evolution of human civilization, we developed a scheme of exchange based on the available resources to balance the needs. That exchange process initially included exchange of goods and later on value based process was developed and eventually monitory transactions were standardized. In statement above, the author claims that the next step in this process is to utilize the advent of technology and replace the existing metal coin and paper forms of money. Though the idea of the usage of electronic money is exciting as it stands, as the author claims, it poses some challenges in entirely replacing the existing monitory system.


As we progress in to 21st century, our daily actions are more and more dependent on the latest technology. There were so many technological changes that revolutionized the way we look at things before. With the invention of WII, a new definition of video gaming was defined. People, who used to prefer real games to video games, started liking WII, due to its simulation of body movements. Introduction of iphone has changed the definition of a smart phone, with hundreds of thousands of varied application. There has been a revolutionary change in the shopping culture of the people as online stores like Amazon, ebay became popular. Online banking and bill payments are so common that it is rare to find people who send checks using regular mail. Many people are switching to paperless billing for both environmental and security reasons. It is therefore an exciting idea to switch to a paper/coin less exchange process totally driven by technology. This would greatly reduce the manufacturing costs involved in producing paper and coins. Most importantly, switching to electronic money will greatly reduce the theft and associated crimes.

However, we need to acknowledge that with advanced technology come advanced crime. As we notice one in every 120
become a victim for identity theft. New virus is being deployed almost every day to hack various systems including banking, military, aviation, etc leading huge losses. In reality, this threat is ongoing and we need to be cognizant about these and take necessary actions. Businesses and individuals are spending a lot to over come these threats. Hence conversion of our monitory system entirely poses big challenges to protect it. Especially for technology starving countries, it is almost impossible to manage this system.

In sum, historically there were many changes in the monitory system and an idea to convert in to electronic accounts is both interesting and challenging. With proper planning this can only be possible with gradual transition. Tangible money poses some minor security threats and manufacturing costs, but intangible money poses greater risk of losing entirely with hacking. Therefore, electronic accounts can be implemented on a selected basis instead of replacing entirely across the globe.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by ArpanaAmishi » Sat Jun 19, 2010 1:33 am
Being a tyro in AWA, below is my observation

1. Good start and appropriate word usage

2. However I am not sure you could take a stand... your paras are oscillating.

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by deepak1485 » Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:12 am
Some observations :

Take a clear stand ... Say either a yes or a No up front..

Build a structure to the essay..

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by grockit_andrea » Sun Jun 20, 2010 2:48 pm
I think you could improve the structure of the essay by breaking your second paragraph up into two shorter paragraphs, and using clear transition words and sentences to introduce each paragraph. Your paragraph about possible negative outcomes could use a strong example; there are many instances in recent history and current events in which security breeches have caused financial problems. Specifically mentioning one of those instances would strengthen that paragraph. And finally, your grammar and mechanics are good overall, but you might want to review your use of the definite article; sometimes it's missing from your sentences, and it becomes a little distracting.
Great start to your essay prep; good luck!
Andrea A.
Grockit Tutor
https://www.grockit.com

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