GMAT Essays (AWA)

I've already posted my analysis of an issue essay yesterday, now please help me understand what should I focus on while preparing for an argument essay.

ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:

"In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferris wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferris wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."


REPLY:
I do not believe this argument is well-reasoned as it is resting on several debatable assumptions.
First, having larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair does not guarantee the approval of these changes by all visitors of a Fair. There is a large category of people who will probably refuse to try thrilling rides. Most of girls are afraid of such attractions, therefore, they will not support this idea and some of them may even decide not to enter the Fair because of the absence of the rides they were fond of. So do couples, who go to such Fairs for a romantic date. Replacing comfortable slowly rides by the more aggressive ones will make students search for another place for dating. So, the total amount of visitors may diminish, leading to the loss of income from the Fair.
Second, the idea of charging a higher entrance fee sounds debatable. Without the analysis of students' parents' income it is not wise to make such decision since law- and middle-class families may find this price increase not affordable for them. Moreover, some students participate in such fairs just to hang out with their friends, not spending too much time on rides or vendors. These pupils will probably refuse to come to the Fair for higher price as there are not many useful upgrades for them besides the food.
Finally, the argument contains implementation assumption, which is the most questionable, to my mind. We shouldn't forget about the possibility of decrease in the number of people attending the School Fair. Total amount of dollar income depends both on the price of each entrance ticket and the number of people came. Thus, in case an increase in the price will be lower in comparison with the decrease in the other factor the committee will gain less income than previously. We also shouldn't forget about the cost of constructing larger rides, purchasing better prizes and cooking international dishes. The money the committee will spend on these upgrades may not overweight the revenues to be derived from increased entrance fee.
Thus, the argument is not completely sound. The evidence in support of the conclusion, that the dollar amount earned will be higher than in previous year is not enough to make it logical. The argument could be strengthened by providing some data concerning the visitors' preferences of rides. Moreover, it would be good to mention the forecast of probable income from the increase in entrance fee in correlation with the cost of buying better prizes. Lastly, the argument could be strengthened by softening the absolute way the original sentence is worded. Instead of saying, "the dollar amount we earn ... will be higher than it was last year" we could say "the dollar amount we earn ... will probably be higher than it was last year".

I do not believe this argument is well-reasoned as it is resting on several debatable assumptions.

I would advise you to rephrase the overall argument in first paragraph and then take a stand.

Most of girls are afraid of such attractions, therefore, they will not support this idea and some of them may even decide not to enter the Fair because of the absence of the rides they were fond of.

Dont agree.

So do couples, who go to such Fairs for a romantic date. Replacing comfortable slowly rides by the more aggressive ones will make students search for another place for dating. So, the total amount of visitors may diminish, leading to the loss of income from the Fair.

Weak argument

Moreover, some students participate in such fairs just to hang out with their friends, not spending too much time on rides or vendors.

That will be happening in either case

You have to think the reasons more deeply for good score.

Thank you a lot! Now I know what to work on.