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Pl rate my AWA- my first attempt

This topic has 1 expert reply and 0 member replies

Pl rate my AWA- my first attempt

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Two years ago Nova High School began to use interactive computer instruction in
three academic subjects. The school dropout rate declined immediately, and last
year’s graduates have reported some impressive achievements in college. In future
budgets the school board should use a greater portion of the available funds to buy
more computers, and all schools in the district should adopt interactive computer
instruction throughout the curriculum


My response: -

The argument suggests that use of the computer interactive instructions has led to the decline in the dropout and in achieving of impressive results. On this basis, it recommends that school allocate a greater portion of available funds to buy computer and that all schools in the district adopt the computer instructions. The reasoning is flawed for the following reasons:

First, it is based on fallacious assumption that only the use of interactive computer instructions has led to the decline in the school dropout and certain achievements by graduates. In doing so, the argument negated the possibility of factors other than the use of computers contributing to the decline in dropouts and impressive results. These factors may be good school teachers, improvement in the teaching methods, or government policies or incentives specifically targeted at reducing the drop out.

Second, it made a case for universalizing the use of computers in all schools in the district on the basis of the supposed success of the use of computer in reducing the drop outs and achieving impressive results. This reasoning is unjustified because what is successful in one case can’t be assumed to be successful in all the cases. It is fallacious to generalize the results based on only one event.

Third, argument recommends that school use a greater portion of available funds to buy more computers. But it ignored a possibility that if school does not have the sufficient funds that can be allocated to the said program without decreasing the allocation to other areas that are necessary to enable a school to function.

Because of the above reasons, argument is not well reasoned. If the author intends to present a well reasoned argument, he needs to restructure his reasons, fix the logical flaws and provide the sufficient support in order to validate the conclusion.

Thanks in advance
Rajat

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Hey Rajat,

Great argument here overall. Your points are really solid, and the writing is clear. You should easily score what you need to score (the essay is really more like a pass/fail, where 4.5 or up is a pass). That being said, you could stand to focus a bit on grammar:

Quote:
The argument suggests that use of the computer interactive instructions has led to the decline in the dropout and in achieving of impressive results.
The argument suggests that the use of interactive computer instruction (you moved the adjective incorrectly, and made instruction plural, which is illogical) has led to the decline in the dropout rate and some impressive academic achievements. (your use of "in" is illogical, because it would parallel "decline," but there wasn't a decline in achievements!).

Otherwise, great work!

-t

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