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## Need a feedback on Arg

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jangojess Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
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#### Need a feedback on Arg

Thu Oct 11, 2007 10:38 am
Hi,

Can someone please provide a feedback for this essay???

The following appeared in a letter to prospective students from the admissions office at Plateau College.

"Every person who earned an advanced degree in science or engineering from Olympus University last year received numerous offers of excellent jobs. Typically, many of the Plateau College graduates who want to pursue an advanced degree have gone on to Olympus. Therefore, enrolling as an undergraduate at Plateau College is a wise choice for students who wish to ensure success in their careers."

Discuss how well reasoned . . . Etc.

The statement from the admission office at Plateau College that enrolling at Plauteu College guarantees success in one's career lacks credibility. The evidence provided in the argument may or may not be true but it is not sufficient enough for the admission office to make such a strong conclusion. I feel that the argument is seriously flawed because of three major reasons.

First, the argument fails to show a relation between enrollment in Plateau College and an assurance for success in career. It is mentioned that typically an undergraduate pursues an advanced degree from Olympus University. This does not mean that every person securing an admission in Plateau College as an undergraduate would definitely earn an advance degree from Olympus University. However, any data showing that all undergraduates in Plateau College would definitely secure an advanced degree from Olympus University would eliminate this flaw.

Second, the argument fails to present consistency in success rate for graduates from Olympus College. In the argument we do have only the last year's job offer rate from Olympus University. This does not mean that the same situation prevailed for past few years and whether the same would prevail this year. Moreover, the excellent job offers were for those who earned an advanced degree in engineering or science. Other undergraduate courses may not have the same job oppurunities. The flaw can be eliminated if an evidence showing that all the undergraduates will secure a success in career by joining Plateau College is presented.

Finally, the argument assumes that success in the career is the only factor that an undergraduate considers while choosing a college. A person would look for other factors such as cost, facilites available, quality of the course while choosing a college. An evidence showing that other factors are least concern for person while choosing a college will nullify this flaw.

In sum, I think that the school admission's statement is not fully agreeable. The conclusion can be strengthened if any of the aforementioned flaws can be eliminated or a stronger and more convincing evidence is presented.

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pahwa Community Manager
Joined
27 Feb 2007
Posted:
117 messages
9
Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:56 pm
Content wise, I give you full-marks.
Organization of a passage is fantastic. Full marks.

what I want you to look into is that Kaplan and Princeton suggest that there should be atleast one paragraph that shows how could these flaws be minimized using the assumtions you stated in your previous paragraphs.

You have shown that, but that is just one line at the end of each paragraph. I am not saying this is wrong. I just wanted you have a look into this aspects (maybe in books you have with you) and get a clear picture.

jangojess Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
Joined
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Sun Oct 14, 2007 8:29 pm
thnx a lot pahwa...i do keep a track of time..rite now i target to finish my essay in 28 mins coz in exam, out of anxiety (but i'm more or less a cool person, so may not be a pblm), i may loose the typing speed. so far i've done only 2 args and i've been able to finish in 28 mins... need to improve atleast by 2 mins.

i'll definitely go thru kaplan and princeton and see what they say...i felt this structure pretty good coz i point each flaw in a para, provide a sol to mitgate the flaw and make the reasoning more logical...this may be a new style and i hope it'll fetch me a pretty decent score. if this new style is really bad then i'll go by the conventional style that kaplan and princeton propose.

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