GMAT Essays (AWA)

The following appeared as part of a business plan created by the management of the Take Heart Fitness Center:
"After opening the new swimming pool early last summer, Take Heart saw a 12 percent increase in the use of the center by its members. Therefore, in order to increase membership in Take Heart, we should continue to add new recreational facilities in subsequent years: for example, a multipurpose game room, a tennis court, and a miniature golf course. Being the only center in the area offering this range of activies would give us a competitive advantage in the health and recreation market."

Nowadays Fitness Centers play an important part in our life. Because of stress and workload in the job, many people like to go to fitness centers to stress out and feel relaxed.
The argument given states that the Take Heart Fitness Center saw a 12 percent increase in the use of their Gym by its members after opening a new swimming pool last summer. It is also mentioned that the management of the center now wants to open new recreational facilities in order to increase the number of memberships in the next years. In addition, management believes that by opening new facilities, the center will gain a big competitive advantage.

Primarily, the management thinks that the 12 percent increase in the number of memberships results from adding the new swimming pool to the center. This assumption is flawed as there is no additional information given for why this is the actual reason. Which characteristics were used to determine the 12 percent increase? Did the members actually say that they now visit the center more regularly because of the swimming pool? The argument given does not give any information about this topic. One reason why the number has increased could be that the Center has started offering special courses and substituted old ones. Another reason could be that in summer time people more often go to the Gym because they go to the beach and therefore want to be fit.

Secondarily, the management proposes to add new recreational facilities in order to attract more customers. Based on the assumption that the swimming pool is the reason for the increasing number of members this idea could be valid. However, the argument does not give any information, if the people are interested in other facilities respectively in the swimming pool at all. Another point that would weaken this plan is that many people go to fitness centers after work and do not have the time to spend 4-5 hours that would be needed in order to use all the recreational facilities. The management should take into consideration what kinds of people mainly use the Fitness center.

Lastly, the management assumes that by adding recreational facilities it will gain a competitive advantage. Can competitive advantage only be gained by this point? What if other Fitness Centers, not possessing recreational facilities, still attract more customers due to a lower price? Competitive advantages can be gained through different aspects and thus the management should not be too confident that adding new facilities will guarantee them a competitive advantage.

In sum the author's illogical argument is based on unsupported premises and unsubstantiated assumptions that render his conclusion is invalid. If the above given points are taken into consideration the argument can be strengthened. Without these things his poorly reasoned argument will likely to convince few people.

I am good enough to rate your passage, will left that for the Expert. The one flaw which I could found in the passage is
In the first paragraph, you provided a good description but forgot to state your side, In both Analysis of an Issue and Analysis of an Argument essays, it is important to pick a side in the intro/thesis and argue it persuasively throughout.

In the last paragraph, please go through the para 5 in the below article. You could have added some sentences to get more attention and score.
https://www.beatthegmat.com/argument-ess ... 38032.html