Agrument-Better attempt-BayView-Please evaluate

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Please rate my argument essay.

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Have my GMAT on 17th Dec. Please help.

The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a local newspaper. "Bayview High School is considering whether to require all of its students to wear uniforms while at school. Students attending Acorn Valley Academy, a private school in town, earn higher grades on average than Bayview students and are more likely to go on to college. Moreover, Acorn Valley reports few instances of tardiness, absenteeism, or discipline problems. Since Acorn Valley requires its students to wear uniforms, Bayview High School would do well to follow suit and require its students to wear uniforms as well." Discuss how well reasoned . . . Etc.


The writer is trying to conclude that Bayview High School should mandate the uniforms for kids in school based on a few premises. He argues that the students in Acorn Valley Academy achieve higher grades and are more disciplined because they are come in uniforms to school. Clearly, the writers conclusion is based on many unwarranted assumptions. There are many glaring gaps in his argument that need to be addressed.

To start with, the writer is assuming that students in Acorn Valley earn higher grades because they are made to wear uniforms. This is a fraud statement. There is never a connection between uniform and good grades. The writer fails to research whether the IQ of the students in Acorn valley greater than that of students of Bayview. The grades could be better also because of the teaching methodology, class discipline imposed by the school, periodic tests given to the students, etc. These are the main factors that affect the grades of any student and none of these have been considered by the writer in his letter.

On the second premise, the writer is attributing the discipline, attendance and tidyness of the students to the uniform. This is again a major assumption made by the author. The discipline could be because of rules imposed by the school on the students. There is a fair chance that the school imposes severe punishment on the kids for irrational behavior. Similarly, lack in attendance might be impacting the grades of the students and hence they regularly attend all classes. Same might hold true for cleanliness. The author should look into the causes for each of these scenarios to come to a reasonable conclusion.

Lastly, the writer should compare the results of some good schools where the uniform is not mandatory for the students and analyse whether the students have good IQ, get good grades and are disciplined or not. Such a research will definitely prove that uniform is not the cause for good results, it's the rules, the methodology used by the schools to train the students.

Thus, it is obvious that the writers conclusion is based on many assumptions and is completely weakened by the points discussed above. To strengthen his argument, the writer should understand the exact causes for the good grades and disciplined behavior of the students. He should compare the IQs of the students at the two schools in question and the rules imposed on the students from the respective management for proper reasoning.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

Junior | Next Rank: 30 Posts
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by adamz » Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:50 am
Hi,

I analyzed your argument essay and here are my suggestions:

In the first paragraph "they are come in uniforms to school" is not grammatically correct. Make sure you revise you essays after writing, more like a final edit.

In the second paragraph "There is never a connection between uniform and good grades" the use of word never seems too extreme. It would be better in my opinion to use words such as "little correlation".

Your flow of ideas and reasons are logical. Also you can refer to "Chinese burned" template for AWA. You can google it.

Rest seems fine to me.

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