Hi everyone,
this is an essay I wrote as part of a CAT. I know that there are a few typos in there (first take away...re-read essay before submitting), but I left them in there, because this is the essay I came up with in 30 minutes. I am a little concerned about my sentence structure, because I tend to repeat similar structures a lot...anyways, let me know what you think an how you would rate this essay! Thanks
The argument presented above critizises the way Americans spend their free time. The author points out that Americans spend too much time shopping and consuming unnecessary items instead of pursuing other, according to the authore also more important, activities like volunteering or working on one´s education.
Eventhough, the author points out some relevant aspects the argument is seriously flawed for several reasons.
Firstly, one cannot find any actual prove for the author´s thesis that Americans spend too much of their free time shopping and consuming. The reader is given evidence that derives from a study indicating that on average an american spends one fourth of his or her leisure time on shopping. This evidence is too weak in order to draw the conclusion that Americans spend too much time on shopping, because it neither compares this amount of time to other countries, nor does it indicate the age group that has been included in the study. Thus, one does not know whether it is unusual or even uniquely American to spend that much time on shopping. Furthermore, teenagers might spend more time on shopping than adults, but only the latter work and are contributing to the American competitive edge. Hence, the study is either biased or it actually only consists of people who are working. In order to fix these flaws it seems wiser to compare the results of the study to other countries and in addition to reveal the group the study is based on.
Secondly, the intermediate conclusion drawn by the author that America is losing it`s competitive edge does not appear as a strong conclusion based on the evidence previously presented. The reader is not given any information about the correlation between a population`s shopping habits and the countries competitiveness. One could also argue that Americans are able to spend that much time one shopping precisely because of their country´s competitive edge. It could allow them to earn more money than people in other countries that they are happily spending and simultaniously boosting the domestic economy. From this point of view shopping actually appears to be a very valuebale attribute. One could strengthen the argument by being more presice in terms of Americas competitive edge. The author has to answer the question "How does shopping weeken the competitive edge?" in more detail.
Thirdly, the author recommends that Americans should spend more time on personal and communal development an again he or she does not support this statement very well. The amount of time is not compared to other nations and thus the authors recommendation seems to be more of personal nature than based on actual facts. Eventhough, it might be good to end an article on a personal note sometimes this article lacks several facts to support it´s reasoning. Hence, it could be made stronger be introducing additional facts.
All in all, the article reveals several weaknesses that could be fixed with the recommendation made above.
this is an essay I wrote as part of a CAT. I know that there are a few typos in there (first take away...re-read essay before submitting), but I left them in there, because this is the essay I came up with in 30 minutes. I am a little concerned about my sentence structure, because I tend to repeat similar structures a lot...anyways, let me know what you think an how you would rate this essay! Thanks
The argument presented above critizises the way Americans spend their free time. The author points out that Americans spend too much time shopping and consuming unnecessary items instead of pursuing other, according to the authore also more important, activities like volunteering or working on one´s education.
Eventhough, the author points out some relevant aspects the argument is seriously flawed for several reasons.
Firstly, one cannot find any actual prove for the author´s thesis that Americans spend too much of their free time shopping and consuming. The reader is given evidence that derives from a study indicating that on average an american spends one fourth of his or her leisure time on shopping. This evidence is too weak in order to draw the conclusion that Americans spend too much time on shopping, because it neither compares this amount of time to other countries, nor does it indicate the age group that has been included in the study. Thus, one does not know whether it is unusual or even uniquely American to spend that much time on shopping. Furthermore, teenagers might spend more time on shopping than adults, but only the latter work and are contributing to the American competitive edge. Hence, the study is either biased or it actually only consists of people who are working. In order to fix these flaws it seems wiser to compare the results of the study to other countries and in addition to reveal the group the study is based on.
Secondly, the intermediate conclusion drawn by the author that America is losing it`s competitive edge does not appear as a strong conclusion based on the evidence previously presented. The reader is not given any information about the correlation between a population`s shopping habits and the countries competitiveness. One could also argue that Americans are able to spend that much time one shopping precisely because of their country´s competitive edge. It could allow them to earn more money than people in other countries that they are happily spending and simultaniously boosting the domestic economy. From this point of view shopping actually appears to be a very valuebale attribute. One could strengthen the argument by being more presice in terms of Americas competitive edge. The author has to answer the question "How does shopping weeken the competitive edge?" in more detail.
Thirdly, the author recommends that Americans should spend more time on personal and communal development an again he or she does not support this statement very well. The amount of time is not compared to other nations and thus the authors recommendation seems to be more of personal nature than based on actual facts. Eventhough, it might be good to end an article on a personal note sometimes this article lacks several facts to support it´s reasoning. Hence, it could be made stronger be introducing additional facts.
All in all, the article reveals several weaknesses that could be fixed with the recommendation made above.
