Please rate my essay!

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Please rate my essay!

by vaib_mahajan » Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:03 am
"Some have argued that the salaries of corporate executives should be linked to those of their lowest-paid employees. This, they argue, will improve relations between management and workers, reducing costly labor disputes and increasing worker productivity. What these people overlook, however, is that these high salaries are necessary to attract the best managers, the individuals whose decisions have the greatest impact on the overall well-being of the company."

Issue of salaries of corporate executives has been always under the strong discussion point in the corporate world. There are those who debate over the justification of the salaries corporate executives earn and those who affirm that the numbers are already justified also those who offer strong evidence to support strong link between the responsibility and the outcome of the job of the corporate executive. Author of the preceding issue denies the possibility that there should be link between the salaries of the corporate executive and that of the lowest paid employees which can strengthen the relationship between management and labor class workers, as best of the managers would have to be paid above par and may not buy the idea.
I guess it's quintessential for the top-class corporate executives to be paid by their standards and that doesn't mean there should be any ratio between lowest earning worker and corporate executive.
As we observe there is always big gap between labor workers and corporate executives. As there is difference in their responsibilities, there is difference in their take home salaries. To elucidate on this differences, I remember that forbs magazine put forward the fact that for many corporate companies salaries of CEO is more than 20 times of that of average salary earning labor class worker. No doubt big difference in the salaries can be astonishing, but the fact is one who gets more responsibility gets more outcomes in terms of perks.
Simple fact of the success - One who is more useful to others will be more successful. For example Bill Gate devised OS called Windows which become so useful that changed the lifestyle of the world, and therefore Bill Gates is so successful and worthy of earning billions of dollars. I think corporate executives who decide the strategy of the company and maneuver the path of the company for assured growth are definitely more useful to company as a whole as compared to the Low class worker who is just focused on his sole job. If a labor class worker finds ways to excel his own work challenges and proves himself useful to others no doubt he would be paid better than corporate executive.
It is not justified for the workers to be unsatisfied just because corporate executives are earning more than them. There can be many reasons of disputes between the management and workers. If Salary is the only cause of the dispute then either lowering the salary of corporate executives or increasing the salary of workers won't salve the problem for good. As the job of corporate executive is to decide upon issues such as costly labor disputes and worker productivity for profit of the company,there always will be differences of opinions between workers and corporate executives which need to addressed properly for getting thorough solution.
In sum, I like to affirm on my stand that not only corporate executives but also the workers should paid as per the class of their job, but not because of their occupation. And in the healthy company peer salary ratios should not the reason for resentment among workers, as in such company excellence is always valued.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by arora007 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 10:26 pm
Hi vaib_mahajan, I believe that the essay is going to be read by a humanbeing and a software. Obviously to make the essay interesting would be great to influence a better score. But we should keep in mind that it would be a technical reading done by the software, which may pull the score down. A healthy does of "Eventhough, Moreover, Thus" and also focus on the starting line of each paragraph, a "I guess" is in the start of the paragraph would be a total suicide, and will be taken note even by the human reader.
Btw you can put in a minute or two to put in a template even before you write anything... believe me most AWA scorers do that. https://www.beatthegmat.com/argument-ess ... 38032.html
I love the refreshing way you give examples and that each paragraph has examples..."To elucidate on this differences"," There can be many reasons", " For example" continue doing that...The lenght of the essay is good. Last but not the least indentation and spaces for each paragraph...do bring them in... I believe you are around 4.5-5 , and you can easily bring it to around 5-5.5 or even more.
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by VivianKerr » Sun Dec 19, 2010 7:09 pm
Hi vaib_mahajan,

You have a great start here! You might find this article helpful - it's a few tips I wrote about improving AWA: https://www.beatthegmat.com/mba/2010/09/ ... assessment

Make sure to identify the Conclusion, Evidence, and any Assumptions for the argument first.

Conclusion: High salaries are necessary to attract managers
Evidence: Managers have greatest impact on company
Assumptions: Higher-paid managers will be able to improve relations, reduce costly labor disputes, and increase productivity

Intro - I like the way you open with a generalization to introduce the topic! Watch out for run-ons and fragments in your writing, such as your second sentence. If English is not your first language, aim for shorter and more forceful sentences. It's always better to be clear and concise.

Thesis - Make sure to place your thesis as the final sentence in the intro paragraph. Your thesis for the Argument essay is always that the reasoning is flawed. You do a great job of restating the argument, but make sure to include your main point that it is lacking.

Arora007 is correct that you want to avoid "I guess" or any unnecessary self-reference. Generally, I would suggest avoiding words and phrases like "I", "me", "I believe", "I think", etc. You also would want to avoid "I'd like to affirm on my stand..." too.

You do a great job of using specific examples like Bill Gates and Forbes Magazine, but for the Argument essay, you must clearly describe how your outside examples show that the argument is flawed. Outside examples are less important for the Argument essay - keep the focus on the argument itself whenever possible, unless your outside examples are extremely relevant.

Hope this helps, Vaib! Keep up the great work!

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by arora007 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 9:12 am
Vivian... many of us Non-Native English speakers have a tough time scoring above 5.

Infact we very mathematically program insights like "Thesis - Make sure to place your thesis as the final sentence in the intro paragraph. Your thesis for the Argument essay is always that the reasoning is flawed. " and would never forget any such feedbacks!

Well.. I am not even half a guru to guide the likes of Vaibhav, but was I correct to suggest him to downplay creative writing on the GMAT ? Does it really pay off to be witty or creative in our GMAT essays?
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by vaib_mahajan » Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:01 am
Hi Vivian, Arora(Bond),

Ur inputs r really valuable to me as I find essay writting lill more difficult than other two sections.
Hope with some more practice I can able to score enough for gud ranked BSchool.

Regards,
Vaibhav.

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by VivianKerr » Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:09 pm
Hey Arora,

Excellent question! I think it's best to be clear first, and creative second. As you practice AWA, aim for the clearest and most forceful essay possible. Use economy of language and good organization to put forth your ideas. The idea is to build the bones of your essay first.

As you feel yourself improve, you can absolutely include creative touches especially in the introduction and conclusion, but make sure to avoid slang/colloquialisms. With a timed essay, it can be hard to be creative, but that doesn't mean your essay has to be boring. :) If you can find a balance between creativity and clarity than obviously that's a more impressive essay, but a simple, direct essay can score just as high.

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