Could you please review?
I purchased GMAT Write and submitted the essay below. I received a 5. What can you recommend that could take this to a 6?
PROMPT
Read the statement and the instructions that follow it, and then make any notes that will help you plan your response. Begin typing your response in the box at the bottom of the screen.
"Clearly, government has a responsibility to support the arts. However, if that support is going to produce anything of value, government must place no restrictions on the art that is produced."
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.
MY ANSWER
For many, government's primary responsiblity is to provide the framework for a peaceful, democratic and prosperous society. Although this end must be achieved through a variety of means, the arts contribute significantly to the development of such a society. Nevertheless, government support for the arts must be limited by the values and norms of our society and cannot be placed beyond reprieve. This essay will provide evidence that government does have a responsiblity to support the arts, as the arts foster creativity and culture, spur innovation, and provide a mechanism to build strong communities, but that this support must not be unbridled and must obide by the value system of society at large.
First and foremost, the arts develop and stimulate areas of the brain outside of analytical thinking. In an increasingly knowledge-based economy, where information technology and computers take on more and more of humans' analytical activities, creative abilities will become more and more valued. Today's companies are putting less value on raw analytical ability such as the ability to perform mathematical calculations as spreadsheet software can now take its place, and instead they value a staff member's ability to see through various business models.
Second, the arts' development of creativity spurs innovation in the entertainment and media industries. Cirque du Soleil is an example of a now market-leading company sponsored by the arts. Cirque du Soleil has provided entertainment to millions, created employment for thousands and reinvigourated an industry many thought to be past its time.
Third, the arts provide an avenue as a to build communities that cooperate and work towards a common goal. An example of this comes my neighbourhood growing up. Once an abandoned train station, the Whychwood Community Centre is now a vibrant public meeting space, and provides a variety of arts programs from the visual arts to the fine arts. In addition, in many urban centres, the arts provide an outlet for disadvantaged or at-risk youth. Often, the arts can contribute to keeping adolescents away from violence, drugs and gangs.
Because the arts can contribute so much to advancing the goals of government, government support for the arts is a virtual must. Nevertheless, the arts cannot be placed above other values, such as safety, appropriate censorship, and intolerance of discrimination. For example, while some may argue that local vandalism of Jewish synagogues with swastika-based murals may represent 'art', this 'art' violates many of the freedoms from persecution that our society is currently based. Clearly, certain types of restrictions, that eliminate hate mongering, discrimiation or safety standards are necessary to protect the community.
In sum, the arts provide culture, creativity, innovation and community-building. As government looks to stimulate all of these characteristics, government support for the arts is a must. However, we cannot forget that limits on the arts must protect the very principles on which our society is based.
I purchased GMAT Write and submitted the essay below. I received a 5. What can you recommend that could take this to a 6?
PROMPT
Read the statement and the instructions that follow it, and then make any notes that will help you plan your response. Begin typing your response in the box at the bottom of the screen.
"Clearly, government has a responsibility to support the arts. However, if that support is going to produce anything of value, government must place no restrictions on the art that is produced."
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.
MY ANSWER
For many, government's primary responsiblity is to provide the framework for a peaceful, democratic and prosperous society. Although this end must be achieved through a variety of means, the arts contribute significantly to the development of such a society. Nevertheless, government support for the arts must be limited by the values and norms of our society and cannot be placed beyond reprieve. This essay will provide evidence that government does have a responsiblity to support the arts, as the arts foster creativity and culture, spur innovation, and provide a mechanism to build strong communities, but that this support must not be unbridled and must obide by the value system of society at large.
First and foremost, the arts develop and stimulate areas of the brain outside of analytical thinking. In an increasingly knowledge-based economy, where information technology and computers take on more and more of humans' analytical activities, creative abilities will become more and more valued. Today's companies are putting less value on raw analytical ability such as the ability to perform mathematical calculations as spreadsheet software can now take its place, and instead they value a staff member's ability to see through various business models.
Second, the arts' development of creativity spurs innovation in the entertainment and media industries. Cirque du Soleil is an example of a now market-leading company sponsored by the arts. Cirque du Soleil has provided entertainment to millions, created employment for thousands and reinvigourated an industry many thought to be past its time.
Third, the arts provide an avenue as a to build communities that cooperate and work towards a common goal. An example of this comes my neighbourhood growing up. Once an abandoned train station, the Whychwood Community Centre is now a vibrant public meeting space, and provides a variety of arts programs from the visual arts to the fine arts. In addition, in many urban centres, the arts provide an outlet for disadvantaged or at-risk youth. Often, the arts can contribute to keeping adolescents away from violence, drugs and gangs.
Because the arts can contribute so much to advancing the goals of government, government support for the arts is a virtual must. Nevertheless, the arts cannot be placed above other values, such as safety, appropriate censorship, and intolerance of discrimination. For example, while some may argue that local vandalism of Jewish synagogues with swastika-based murals may represent 'art', this 'art' violates many of the freedoms from persecution that our society is currently based. Clearly, certain types of restrictions, that eliminate hate mongering, discrimiation or safety standards are necessary to protect the community.
In sum, the arts provide culture, creativity, innovation and community-building. As government looks to stimulate all of these characteristics, government support for the arts is a must. However, we cannot forget that limits on the arts must protect the very principles on which our society is based.
