Experts please asses my essay.

[saurabhmahajan]

Hi Friends,
Please asses my essay on the below given topic.Rate it on 1-10 scale.also propose any changes which you think can make it more compelling.

If we were to admit one more student to the class of 2012, make a compelling argument as to why that student should be you? (300 words max)

My experience from a fresher to becoming an administrator for automation development tools would help me to share my responsibilities and learning with the class. The experience I gained while setting up a completely new development environment with these tools in our organization, would help my fellow class mates to understand hurdles and pit-falls one can face in doing so. I will carry with me the knowledge of how a process can be derived and percolated in an organization, to minimize development time by 30 %. Similarly I can put forth the stress and pain one can expect in delivering such an environment on time. My task which included handling of servers, configuring and troubleshooting tools and mentoring people for the use of these tools can give the class a chance to get insight of Technical Support Group operations .I can play a major role in the Business Technology Group.
I have attended various short duration management programs which were conducted by state police department. My learning of personnel management which is necessary in gaining a high and effective productivity can be of great help to my team mates. Similarly I can deliver on security analysis from the perspective of corporate data and social awareness.
I am in process of setting up an advertizing firm with my brother. I have handled the part of meeting the respective clients and engaging them to build a long term relation with us. My gain of knowledge for marketing and maintaining client relation can be shared with the class and members of the marketing club.
I will carry with me the experience of successfully managing and conducting a technical quiz competition at national level. This experience of mine can be of great help for the quiz club.

[ecoguru1]

Hi Friends,
Please asses my essay on the below given topic.Rate it on 1-10 scale.also propose any changes which you think can make it more compelling.

If we were to admit one more student to the class of 2012, make a compelling argument as to why that student should be you? (300 words max)

My experience from a fresher to becoming an administrator for automation development tools would help me to share my responsibilities and learning with the class. The experience I gained while setting up a completely new development environment with these tools in our organization, would help my fellow class mates to understand hurdles and pit-falls one can face in doing so. I will carry with me the knowledge of how a process can be derived and percolated in an organization, to minimize development time by 30 %. Similarly I can put forth the stress and pain one can expect in delivering such an environment on time. My task which included handling of servers, configuring and troubleshooting tools and mentoring people for the use of these tools can give the class a chance to get insight of Technical Support Group operations .I can play a major role in the Business Technology Group.
I have attended various short duration management programs which were conducted by state police department. My learning of personnel management which is necessary in gaining a high and effective productivity can be of great help to my team mates. Similarly I can deliver on security analysis from the perspective of corporate data and social awareness.
I am in process of setting up an advertizing firm with my brother. I have handled the part of meeting the respective clients and engaging them to build a long term relation with us. My gain of knowledge for marketing and maintaining client relation can be shared with the class and members of the marketing club.
I will carry with me the experience of successfully managing and conducting a technical quiz competition at national level. This experience of mine can be of great help for the quiz club.

This essay does not make a compelling argument as to why you should be admitted. This essay reads like a run down of professional accomplishments. Honestly, you lost me after the first couple of sentences.

[saurabhmahajan]

Thanks ecoguru1 for taking pains to read my essay.Please suggest me with some outline as to how should i make this essay compelling.

[Kaneisha Grayson]

I'd have to agree with EcoGuru1 about this essay sounding like a list of your professional accomplishments. With this essay you want to make the readers interested in who you are as a whole person--not simply as a worker bee. You can do this by sharing a mix of personal, professional, and academic characteristics you possess that would contribute to the incoming class.

I know that 300 words is quite a short essay, but try and find one (very short) story you can tell that can show a great mix of who you are as a teammate, a friend, a classmate, and a co-worker.

Good luck!

[saurabhmahajan]

Experts and friends,
Please take some time out and read my modified essay and present your opinion and if pos rate it on a scale of 1-10.


My journey from fresher to adept administrator is the main highlight of my profile. As fresher, I was involved with a 4 member team responsible to set a completely new multi-million dollar development environment across the organization. My role here was to gain technical expertise on this environment and subsequently take responsibility to configure and handle maintenance part of this project as it matures. This project was aimed at reducing development time of project teams by nearly 40%. This learning can be of great help for collaborative learning.

Further, my role as administrator was to keep the environment productive and run it in an efficient way. My goal was to reduce managing time and errors in handling requests by 50%.To achieve this aim, it required me to handle geographically distributed teams and produce 100% results out of them. My advancement to get involve in deriving process to align it with the new environment made me interact with people from different departments and different requirements. This made me an efficient mentor to resolve conflicts and present best available solutions to all participants. I thus showed my managing potential and fulfill the criteria to become a successful leader through PGPM program.

I have undertaken a task to startup a small advertising firm along with my brother. Here my role is to use my communication skills and build good relations with clients and generate projects for the firm. I am also involved in arranging infrastructure needed for the initial start of this firm. This initiative of us can give class a chance to exchange views and present opinion to make this small start a big success.

My all-encompassing experiences and my potential to lead and present quantifiable results, make me that one student to be admitted.