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Please rate my argument.

Expert replies
by Priya_825 » Sun Jun 20, 2010 12:50 pm
essay question:

The following appeared in a memorandum from the business department of the Apogee Company:
"When the Apogee Company had all its operations in one location, it was more profitable than it is today. Therefore,
the Apogee Company should close down its field offices and conduct all its operations from a single location. Such
centralization would improve profitability by cutting costs and helping the company maintain better supervision of all
employees."

Your response:

The argument states that decentralization of the Apogee Company is not profitable. Hence, the field offices should be closed down and all the operations should be centralized at one location which would increase the profits by cost cutting and better supervision of the employees. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention several key factors on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Therefore, the argument is rather weak, unconvincing, and full of flaws.

Firstly, the argument readily assumes that the company was making more profits solely because all its operations were conducted at one location. The argument did not take into account the market situation at that time. According to a report in a business magazine, the inflation rate was at the highest level in 2005 and the market was at its boom for the next four years .It is the same period during which the Apogee company had the centralized operations. It is entirely possible that the company was making profits because of the good condition of the market.The argument would have been clearer, if the author had been able to justify that the sole reason of the profits was the centralization by giving strong evidences.

Secondly , the author sates that centralization also helps in maintaining better supervision of the employees.
From this statement again, the author fails to demonstrate the co-relation between the centralization and supervision of the employees. It is not at all clear how a centralized company provides better supervision of the employees than a decentralized one. Infact, excellent supervision can be easily achieved in a decentralized company by maintaining a proper hierarchy. If any such co-relation had been shown by giving supporting evidences and examples, the author would have sounded a bit more convincing.

Finally, the author erroneously states that the company should close down its field offices and hence, improve profitability by cost cutting. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not consider the consequences of this action. It is entirely possible that the company might lose a large number of potential customers and hence incur a huge amount of loss. The author also fails to consider other factor like transportation service, which is likely to increase because of the centralization and hence can become a great cost to company. Without supporting examples which prove that closing down the field offices is an efficient cost cutting approach , one is left with the impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence. As a result, this conclusion has no legs to stand on.

In summary, the argument is flawed and therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors.
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Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

by grockit_andrea » Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:40 pm
Hi Priya--
There are some things you're doing really well here: you have a clear sense of structure and organization, with strong topic sentences. You also have a good eye for flaws; the points that you bring up here are generally good ones. There are a couple of problems, though. In your first body paragraph, you talk about a business magazine's report on inflation and state that the market was booming at the same time Apogee company was centralized, 2005-2009. Your point about the fact that there's no clear causal link between centralization and profitability is a good one, but I have to assume you're just fabricating the business magazine and the info about Apogee company to support your point. That's not a good idea; if you're showing what kind of hypothetical evidence could be used to weaken the argument, make it clear that it's hypothetical. Don't say that Apogee company was profitable from 2005-2009 when you have no reason to think that those dates are accurate. Instead, say something like, "The author's argument would be weakened if an alternate cause for the profitability, such as temporary inflation, was established..."
Also, you might want to make your tone a little less severe. You want to provide constructive criticism by pointing out the flaws in the argument and explaining how to improve them. It's not necessary to sound harsh in the process by using words and phrases like "full of flaws," "wishful thinking," and "no legs to stand on." You can get the same point across in a more congenial way. Try not to write anything that you wouldn't actually say to a colleague who approached you to critique and help improve a memo.
You've got some great material here; refining your approach a little will help you get the score you're working toward on the AWA!
Andrea A.
Grockit Tutor
https://www.grockit.com
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by Priya_825 » Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:43 am
Hi Andrea ,
Thanks a ton for your comments.. :)
just a request..how would you rate my essay on the scale of 1 - 5..
My apologies ... I didn't see the voting poll option while submitting :(
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