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Can Anyone Review this AWA Analysis.Please score me

Expert replies
by pkayla_2000 » Mon Apr 26, 2010 12:44 pm
The following advice was given to a politician by his political consultant: "It is true that 200 apartment renters protested in the rain about the elimination of rent control regulation. However, there are 20,000 renters in the entire city. 19,800 of them stayed home and did not protest. The group that did not protest is much larger and better represents the opinion of renters throughout the city that the elimination of rent control is not a problem. You should not let the small protest discourage you."







Describe how well reasoned you find this argument. In the discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the argument's conclusion. You may also address possible changes in the argument that would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
________________________________________
It has been obvious that rent has gone up significantly in the last 5 years. In 2006, one can find the comparable apartment for 2 at $1100 per month, now going for $1600. Rent control regulation becomes a hot topic evidently. However, with the above argument stating the statistics of less than 15% of renters showing concern over rent control, the author attempts to show that it is not a big issue with elimination of the rent control regulation. Although his claim may have merit, the author presents a poorly reasoned argument, based on questionable premise and assumption, I can not accept his argument to be valid.

First of all, this argument is based on the fact that 200 out of 20,000 renters protested in the rain against elimination of rent control. However, one needs to consider many other avenues renters are showing their protest such as in writings, onlines forums, calls, as well as in other ways not yet explored. Therefore, this evidence presented is not giving a complete picture of renters' attitude.

Another reason why this argument needs improvement is the assumption of that renters' protest is the only way to express their acceptance of the elimination. Many landlords understand the nature of renters, who do not communicate well at times about their wishes. Often times, they would skip paying rent as a way to show their resentment, yet they are not well equipped to communicate what they wish. It may be due to lack of language or simply a way of life.

This argument would be much more validated if the author would explore nature of the renters. Are they not protesting due to lack of care, knowledge, or truly not an important issue. This would make this argument much more validated.
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Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

by grockit_andrea » Fri Apr 30, 2010 10:05 am
I hate to say it, but I don't think I'd give this more than a 3. The first two sentences don't serve any purpose; I found myself wondering where you got those figures and what role they'd play in the rest of the essay, and you don't want your reader to start out confused. The rest of your intro paragraph is fine, although 200/20,000 is 1%, which technically IS less than 15%, but again I found myself wondering why you chose to use that figure instead of just saying 1%.

Your second paragraph is good. You make a solid point, and you phrase it well. A stronger topic sentence (one addressing the precise flaw, rather than just restating the evidence) would have been good, but this paragraph wasn't bad overall.

Paragraph three is a little muddled. You phrase the flaw as "the assumption of that renters' protest is the only way to express their acceptance of the elimination," but that's exactly the flaw you were talking about in the previous paragraph. Your explanation, however, makes more sense and is distinct from the previous paragraph: you're saying that maybe renters didn't skip the protest because they're unconcerned, but rather for unrelated reasons (language, etc.) This is a good point, but again, a topic sentence that summarizes this point would be helpful.

The conclusion is a little skimpy and redundant, but I think if I were you I'd concentrate more on the body paragraphs; when those are strong, the conclusion is easier to write.

Overall, you have some great things going on here: the two points that you made were perceptive, and you had a solid start on structure. A third example, a less-confusing intro, and a better use of topic sentences to indicate organization would all help to increase your score.

Keep practicing; it gets easier!
Andrea A.
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https://www.grockit.com
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