Nightmare recommender, being stonewalled, all advice welcome

[nontrad]

Hello,

I have been working for one of my recommenders for the last 9 months, and from my perspective, have bent over backwards to do my best on the job and get along with this person as best as I can. I asked her to be a recommender for me, to which she agreed without hesitation, so I thought I was all set. I prepared for her a list of the messages I wanted to convey, with anecdotal examples from our work together.

Now, I find myself in an impossible situation. My first round response was cold, so I was hoping to talk with this person regarding how she's approached the recommendations, her primary messages, what anecdotes she mentioned, etc. She said some vague things about not having seen evidence of my ability to create change, how she perceives me as a late-bloomer, how she wishes I would bring the dedication I have for this application process to my job, etc. Beyond these soul crushing comments (not because I care what she thinks, but because she could be destroying my chances this year), she refuses to say anything further about what she has submitted.

For some counterbalance, I talked with her business partner, who was entirely sympathetic with me, and told me my recommender is by far the most difficult person he's had to work with, extremely competitive toward other women, defensive, petty, and a control freak.

So, there are two schools to which I have not yet applied, but which have recommendations on file from her. It kills me to think this woman might be stonewalling me from applying to two excellent, extremely appropriate programs, on top of the two first-round schools that have not responded positively.

My options are: 1) apply anyway, on the hope that she does actually have some decency; 2) ask her to withdraw those recommendations; 3) choose other schools. Does anyone have experience with getting business schools to withdraw recommendations, without involving the recommender? I still work for her, but I loathe to talk with her again. I can swallow my pride, but my last conversation was so discouraging that I can't hope for more cooperation this time around.

I very much appreciate any advice you might have to give.

Despondent applicant

[beatthegmat]

Wow, I am really really sorry to hear about this situation. Just my two cents, I think you need to ask your recommender to withdraw her recommendations. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but there are a couple of angles you could try. One that I like:

• You want to go with another recommender because the other recommender can directly talk to some experience that you wish to highlight in your application

Another approach would be to call up the schools directly and tell them about your situation. The people working at admissions at most MBA programs are very cool and understand that situations like this occur. Ask them whether it's possible to withdraw that particular person's recommendation. Tell them that you suspect the recommendation could be tainted because of a souring of relationship that occurred later on, or something to that effect.

I really do feel for you. This situation will likely have an awkward outcome with respect to how you work with this person in the future, but at the same time, it's your career/future! Be aggressive with these two schools you like, get in, and leave this all behind as a memory next fall.

Good luck and please keep us updated!