AWA practice 2 -- Rate this for me! plzz

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AWA practice 2 -- Rate this for me! plzz

by amysky_0205 » Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:25 am
plz rate this for me or give me some advices to make it better!!
thank u for ur help(:

The following appeared in a memorandum from the business department of the Apogee Company:
"When the Apogee Company had all its operations in one location, it was more profitable than it is today. Therefore,
the Apogee Company should close down its field offices and conduct all its operations from a single location. Such
centralization would improve profitability by cutting costs and helping the company maintain better supervision of all
employees."



The conclusion in this argument states that the kind of centralization which the Apogee Company is using would improve its profitability and help to maintain a better supervision of all the employees. However, the author fails to consider several factors when evaluating the argument and only gave a general assumption with no further explanations to support. Thus, the argument is weak, unconvincing and has many flaws.

The first unfolded assumption that the author makes is the profits go up because the company locates in the single spot. However, there might be more reasons such as operating costs, the feature of the local needs, the effect of the global environment, will affect a company's profitability.

The second unfolded assumption that the argument makes is the entire field offices should be closed in order to conduct all the operations from one single location which makes them cost less. However, it fails to recognize the economics of scales and the trend of globalization. A company can have the economics of scales by having subsidiaries in different countries and use the competitive advantages in the local market to lower their cost structure. Furthermore, the trend of the globalization has made the boundaries of the countries disappear. Every company in the world choose the location where has the lowest costs in the manufacturing. Thus, cutting the field offices might fail to raise its profitability.

The third unfolded assumption in the argument is that the company should apply to the centralization and thus all employees will maintain a better supervision. Yet, controlling the employees isn't only by gathering them into a single business unit. A company needs to set up its own management system to control employees and make sure that the senior executives are monitoring their staffs properly. No matter how small or how big the company is.

The few points above are views that the company lack considering when making the conclusion. If it wants to raise the issue above, it might have better or different aspects of considerations. Without supporting points, the argument is weak and has no legs to stand on.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by Jim@StratusPrep » Wed Jan 09, 2013 6:25 am
Try using computer grader at GMAT.com. This is the same algorithm used during your exam
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by amysky_0205 » Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:27 am
Jim@StratusPrep wrote:Try using computer grader at GMAT.com. This is the same algorithm used during your exam
where to use?

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by David@VeritasPrep » Thu Jan 10, 2013 9:20 am
There is a tool that costs $29.99 US that is available from MBA.com called "GMAT Write." This is probably what Jim is referencing. It gives you the opportunity to get scores for 4 written essays. Here is the link. https://www.mba.com/store/store-catalog/ ... write.aspx?

I have not used it as our Veritas Prep Students get free essay scoring and expert feedback, so I cannot say what feedback you get with GMAT Write.
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by David@VeritasPrep » Thu Jan 10, 2013 9:27 am
As to the essay you have here, I see that you took my advice to use something other than first, second, and third. But now we have simply "first assumption" "Second assumption" and "third assumption" so that is not really much more varied. I may have to agree with Ron that there can be some problems with memorizing since it is not an "unfolded" assumption. It is more like "unsupported" or "unproven." You should not use any language that you are not comfortable with.

The points you make are very insightful and your English is good enough to convey your points. You would not get a 6.0 even if you worked very very hard because you will still have multiple errors in grammar, spelling, and word usage, but that is okay!!! A 6.0 is not needed. This essay would get you the score that you need. It would be above a 4.0 and that makes it acceptable. This is a very nice effort and I am sorry if I caused you to misuse "unfolded." I would say go back to whatever you would normally say for transitions (just try to have something there) and you will be just fine.
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by amysky_0205 » Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:47 pm
David@VeritasPrep wrote:As to the essay you have here, I see that you took my advice to use something other than first, second, and third. But now we have simply "first assumption" "Second assumption" and "third assumption" so that is not really much more varied. I may have to agree with Ron that there can be some problems with memorizing since it is not an "unfolded" assumption. It is more like "unsupported" or "unproven." You should not use any language that you are not comfortable with.

The points you make are very insightful and your English is good enough to convey your points. You would not get a 6.0 even if you worked very very hard because you will still have multiple errors in grammar, spelling, and word usage, but that is okay!!! A 6.0 is not needed. This essay would get you the score that you need. It would be above a 4.0 and that makes it acceptable. This is a very nice effort and I am sorry if I caused you to misuse "unfolded." I would say go back to whatever you would normally say for transitions (just try to have something there) and you will be just fine.
Hi David,

thank you so much for ur time reading over my essay.
I would adjust my way of writing in the next essay and make it better!
Thank you for your perfect advice.
(:

Amy

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