Kindly rate my AWA - Issue

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Kindly rate my AWA - Issue

by tushnir540 » Thu May 03, 2012 4:53 pm
Issue "The invention of the Internet has created more problems than it has solved. Most people would have a higher quality of life had the Internet never been invented." From your perspective, is this an accurate observation? Why or why not? Explain, using reasons and/or examples from your experience, observations and reading.

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Whether or not the invention of the Internet has created more problems that it has solved can be a tough question to answer. While it can be said that the internet has created some problems that weren't there prior, there are plenty more problems that it has solved, then it has created. I will be discussing the later of the two viewpoints.

For one, having a knowledge of local and world news is important to the general public. The internet has done exactly that - it has provided a multitude of mediums from which people have access to relevant news sources i.e. news websites, social websites, etc. Specific news being accessible in a moments time is an invaluable resource. Knowing the latest company earning can be invalualbe for someone whose job may be on the line if they miss that information. Additionally, most professional work environments don't have TV's playing or radios on in the background. The invention of the internet can prove useful in alerting the public of certain disasters or events that can affect them or their loved ones. Examples of this such issue can be a family member learning of a catastraphe or a local fire. The internet has alleviated the burden of finding specific news to a matter of seconds.

Secondly, moving beyond the internet having the ability to access news sources, the internet has opened up an entirely knew concept- open information! Information that may at one time or another have been limited to libraries or universities, is now accessible to the general public. Wikipedia.org for example is an internet encyclopedia. People don't have to debate on certain topics if it's inconvenient or they don't have access to the relevant resources - the internet, and thus the information is right at their fingertips. In addition, Wikipedia.org and other information sources are free. The cost and space required to maintain an up to date encyclapedia has essentially been brought to $0.

Lastly, the internet has made it much easier to keep in touch. While it can be argued that the methods we've had to stay in touch were more than sufficient pre-internt, the internet has opened up a variety of quick options that weren't available prior. The invention of e-mail has provided the ability to send a message not only instanteously, but the send that message instanteously to an infinite amount of people. The ways to send a message to a multitude of people prior was very limited i.e. phone, mail, and fax. The has solved the problem of reaching a wide audiance in a short amount of time.

In conclusion, the internet has opened a vast amount of doors that weren't available prior. The simplicity and more importantly speed, in delivering information was unavailable in the past. If an option was available, it certainly was not as simple or available to as many people.


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Thanks! Every comment/critique is appreciated!!
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by sbillbody » Thu May 03, 2012 5:57 pm
I'm going to give it a 4. Your thesis has got to be stronger. Think of it this way: let's say that your essay were to die tomorrow and every other sentence except your thesis statement were to rot away.

Your thesis should be the last remaining part of the essay where if taken alone, it can convey your point succinctly.

Don't worry so much about stylish writing: hammer away at the points like a caveman making a blunt tool. There's no need to get fancy here.
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by tushnir540 » Thu May 03, 2012 6:13 pm
Thanks for your response @sbillbody. Can you be a little more specific? This is my first go-around at the AWA so any advice is appreciated. One thing I for sure regret is not referencing exactly how each example IMPROVES the quality of life, or at least confirming the "fact" that it does.

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by Brent@GMATPrepNow » Fri May 04, 2012 6:08 am
Good essay, tushnir540,

Your organization is great and your ideas are solid.

There are a few weak areas in the writing (e.g., vast amount of doors) that would have lowered your score a bit, but I'd give this a 4.5

Aside: I'm a big fan of having a paragraph (near the end) in which we make one point for the other side and then rebut it. This shows we've considered both sides of the issue. This, however, isn't mandatory.

Cheers,
Brent
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