Hi there,

There are a couple areas where I think you should focus on in your revision:

1) A lot of these sentences are very long and difficult to digest. Start with your intro paragraph and consider separating some of those thoughts into shorter sentences. Worry less about packing all your arguments into one long sentence and focus more on asserting your stance.

2) There are also quite a few issues with grammar in this essay. Example: The argument also presents a very weak evidence of the reduced color film processing cost. We don't need the "a" after presents. Also, make sure to pay attention to the difference between words like "its" and "it's," "their" and "they're," etc. These are small details, but mastering them on test day will really help boost your score.

3) Reconsider your concluding paragraph. Take this as more of an opportunity to refute the argument, rather than just restating the fact that you disagree.

We recently posted on our blog about some key grammar rules, which you can check out here: https://bit.ly/1GkdyvM

Let me know if you have any other questions!

Best,
Rich

Thanks Rich,

Have rewritten the piece by taking your suggestions into account. Please let me know your views.


Regards,
Lata

Hi Lata,

In terms of supporting your argument, this revision is a much stronger draft. However, take another look. The first thing I'd suggest is to avoid starting a sentence with the word "and." While this is perfectly acceptable in an email to a friend or even a colleague, it is far too casual for an essay on the GMAT. Also, there was one example of a sentence that ended with "etc," and I'm just dying to know what details are behind that etc! If the details are important, take the time to write them out. If not, don't feel the need to include "etc." Some of the sentences in the second paragraph are still a bit dense, so go through again and make sure each detail you're including is vital to the essay.

If you haven't done so already, here's a link to sign up for a free 7-day trial of GMAT Tutor: https://bit.ly/1bPAHuW. The materials also include the ability to submit an AWA essay for even more feedback.

Best,
Rich