Please score my essay and tell score b/w 1-6

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The following appeared in a memorandum written by the chair of the music department to the president of Omega
University:
"Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music-therapy sessions, and job openings in the music-therapy field have increased during the past year.Consequently, graduates from our degree program for music therapists should have no trouble finding good
positions. To help improve the financial status of Omega University, we should therefore expand our music-therapy degree program by increasing its enrollment targets."

AWA

The argument that omega should expand music therapy degree program by increasing enrollment is highly flawed. It wrongly assumes that high enrollment is the only way of improving financial status. Also it assumes that what some mental health experts say is widely accepted as standard and that there is no other reason at all. Also it does not shed any light on the quality of course it will provide to its students.

Firstly, the author simply believes that high enrollment is the only way of improving finances.The author gives no mention of the infrastructure required for such a drive. Also,there is no mention of any competition for Omega that might be a challenge to establish itself. Omega does not seem to believe that small groups of students may also pay higher fee and help meet its target.


Secondly,Omega has assumed that industry has accepted what many mental health experts believe in.There is no mention of counter theories and disagreement.It looks very extreme for Omega to believe in what many but not all believe in. The effects of music therapy may just be co-incidental for particular group or groups. Also,it is possible that it is successful with only those people who have a knack of music or have learnt music previously. All in all there is little information about the group studied.

Thirdly, There is no mention of the quality of degree and the kind of music that Omega plans to teach to its student. There is no evidence that Omega has done a research on the preference of the students and whether the courses are relevant or not. It also wrongly believes that just about any student passing out of Omega will be able to land a job . Omega does not seem to think of the quality of students.


The author has taken a lot of liberties in showing causality that job openings in music industry means Omega students will succeed. Also ,it does not believe that not everything is equal as mental health experts opinions may not be equally accepted and true. Also, Author has shown little consideration for the infrastructure,competition and quality of the courses.
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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Tue Mar 24, 2015 9:47 am
Hello src_saurav,

Great job strengthening the conclusion for this response.

Writing: Make sure that you capitalize "Omega" because it's a proper noun. The punctuation errors are getting better, but pay attention to those spaces. Make sure that your sentences are clear.

Structure: Your intro summarizes the argument right away, and you've done a better job with the conclusion this time. The body paragraphs provide three separate reasons to doubt the argument.

Arguments/Examples: Your reasons show three large flaws in the author's argument, and I like how you addressed different parts of the argument in your response. Good job pointing out the issue of mixing up correlation and causation: there is no way to know if the mental health workers' observations will directly affect Omega University.

Suggestions for Improvement: Keep watching for punctuation errors. This response shows that you've gotten better at the AWAs. I'd put this in the 4-5 range.
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
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