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PLease rate my essay

by src_saurav » Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:54 am
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During a recent trial period in which government inspections at selected meat-processing plants were more frequent,the amount of bacteria in samples of processed chicken decreased by 50 percent on average from the previous year's level. If the government were to institute more frequent inspections, the incidence of stomach and intestinal infections throughout the country could thus be cut in half. In the meantime, consumers of Excel Meats should be safe from infection because Excel's main processing plant has shown more improvement in eliminating bacterial contamination than any other plant cited in the government report."

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The conclusion that people who buy meat products of Excel meat company are safe is flawed.It assumes that
government reports are correct indicators of meat quality and that the government procedures are up to date.

Firstly,Government reports may not indicate the correct data.It could be that Excel's meat products are actually contaminated but excel was successful in hiding its technical and procedural flaws.It could also be that Excel purposely manipulated itself in front of the government auditors to get certified.

Secondly,the government procedures may be out of date.It is important that the government keeps itself up to date with the current happenings in the microbiology world.However,it is not mentioned in the argument above as to whether government has the best facilities or not.

Thirdly,it could be coincidental that the bacterial presence came down to below 50%.Weather plays a big role in breeding of bacteria and it could be that due to weather conditions that the bacterial presence was itself low.

Lastly,to think that frequent inspections would reduce the incidents of ailments in people is also flawed because bacteria may not only thrive in meat products but also in other products as well.By authors logic,only non vegetarians would be more likely to fall sick but bacteria may also effect vegetarians.


For the above mentioned reasons ,i think the conclusion is flawed.The author would do better by highlighting the competency of government's auditors and by insisting that bacteria may attack anyone regardless of his/her food habits.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:29 am
Hello src_saurav,

Please see my comments on your previous essay, as many of those points apply here.

Writing: Make sure you include spaces after punctuation. "Excel" should always be capitalized because it is the company's name. Don't confuse "effect" and "affect." "Effect" is a noun, as in "The effect of my GMAT prep will be a higher score," but "affect" is a verb: "My GMAT prep affected my score."

Structure: The conclusion is better this time because you aren't stating your opinion on what to do in this situation. The intro is still missing a summary of the author's argument. A typical paragraph is three to five sentences, so you need to combine your short body paragraphs or write more. This response as a whole is still a little too short.

Arguments/Examples: Your examples of potential flaws were stronger in this essay, but you still need to describe these flaws in more detail. I'd suggest keeping the best three flaws, cutting out the fourth flaw, and writing more about those top three problems.

Suggestions for Improvement: I'd put this essay in the 2-3 range. You need to strengthen your own points and improve the introduction. I've already shared these links in my comment on your first essay, but I'm including them again.
Official GMAT prompts: https://www.mba.com/us/the-gmat-exam/gma ... ument.aspx

GMAT Prep Now free videos:
- AWA Section Overview- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=765
- Argument Essay Overview- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=769
- Generating Points for the Argument Essay- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=770
- Writing the AWA Argument Essay- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=771
- General Tips- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=772
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
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