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Rate My Intro Paragraph

by lacey4048 » Tue Sep 27, 2011 2:12 pm
Please rate my introductory paragraph for an essay I have to do. Suggestions Welcome Thanks!

Dear State Legislature,

The effect of fluorocarbons on air quality and the environment has been brought to my attention. We cannot let these things continue going on. It is sure to cost us in the end. After much research, I have concluded that humans need to stop using fluorocarbons and find an alternative for them. It is up to you to make a difference that will benefit generations to come.
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by throughmba » Fri Sep 30, 2011 1:48 am
A very simple start with a purpose. May add a little pomp to make it noticeable.
The effect of fluorocarbons on air quality and the environment has been brought to my attention.
This makes you look like a president. You may tone down a little.
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