Hi there!
In reply to your essay and whether you are on the right track:
Actually, you are very much on the right track. Your writing flows well and your organization is quite good. Your language usage too is more than good (except for a few minor mistakes e.g it should be 'resolved by').
As for the general tenor of the essay:
Your Introduction is very good and you correctly stated your opinion as the last sentence in the Introduction. You chose a side, which is very good.
However, the biggest problem is the 2nd Paragraph (the 1rst Body Paragraph) in which you redefine the terms (ie it is not an issue of performance, etc). This paragraph is unnecessary, or rather, you could have made it part of your Introduction. Really, your essay should be a maximum of 5 paragraphs altogether and if you wish to redefine your terms simply do it in the introduction. I would rather you use the time to develop the rest of the essay a bit more and simply to proofread at the end.
The rest of the paragraphs are very good as you begin these with a reason for your opinion and proceed to explain what you mean and provide examples. One word about examples though: As much as possible, try to stay away from hypothetical examples; instead, utilize real examples with data/facts, if you can (examples from history, literature, current events/culture, etc). This will provide your examples with 'teeth'. This is supposed to be an academic essay, so to speak. Provide proof in accordance with this.
The Conclusion is also good. If you can add a small general sentence to finish this would be good as no paragraphs should really contain only 1 sentence.
Grade for now: 4 to 4.5/6 But with potential to get much higher.[/quote]
Thanks!
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Master GMAT
https://econgm.at/EconomistGMAT
[youtube]QBNZczg84tU[/youtube]
