Review my first AWA analysis

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Review my first AWA analysis

by tmp123 » Sun May 16, 2010 7:37 pm
"A business should not be held responsible for providing customers with complete information about its products or services; customers should have the responsibility of gathering information about the products or services they may want to buy."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons
and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


Some people think that customers are responsible to get complete information about the products or services rather than business providing this information. While agreeing that it is not always possible for a business to provide complete information about the products or services but after considering various facts and real life examples I support the idea of business should provide complete information about the products or services.

One reason for my belief is that customers cannot always get complete information about a product. Consider an example of buying a simple cooking oil in any particular store. With out the nutrition fact label about fat content, colestral content and calorie content it is very difficult to estimate this information by a common man. This information might be very usefull for someone with health conditions such as diabetes etc. and other conditions related to heart. By using this information customers can asses what is best for them. It will be very difficult for a common person to get information by themselves.

Another reason for my belief is that it is customers right to get facts before making any purchase and it is business duty to provide this information. Consider an example of recent E-Coli virus attack on some leafy green vegetables. Spinach was contaminated by E-Coli virus and people became sick after eating this contaminated spinach. Some of this product, if not all, might have come from different countries and these countries might not have strict control on the conditions how these vegetables are produced. It is our fundamental right to know about the origin of this product to make better judgment whether to buy or not based on our previous experience.

Another example and perhaps most important example is related to drugs. It is not always possible to ask a doctor or medical professional about the possible side affects of generic drugs with out prescription. It will be time consuming and expensive to contact a medical professional to find out possible side affects. On the other hand it is also not possible to find complete information about a certain drug with out proper knowledge of pharmacy and medicine. With out this fact labels it might be dangerous to use a drug. Business might face serious law suits if all the facts were not provided.

In summary, while it is not always possible to provide complete information about a product but business should take responsibility to provide complete information about a product or service. It is not always possible for customers to get complete information as this process is complicated and time consuming. It is also customers fundamental right to get complete information about the origins of a product. It is better for business to provide complete information before hand and leave the decision making to customers or else business might face serious law suits. Considering these facts I re-affirm my position that business should provide complete information about products or services.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by money9111 » Sun May 16, 2010 10:38 pm
I think the structure is there... examples and such.... but there are a lot of grammatical errors
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by tmp123 » Mon May 17, 2010 6:52 am
As a non-native...I am not surprised. Can I expect 4.5?

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by money9111 » Mon May 17, 2010 7:17 am
not sure... let me ask you this though... we're you writing to try to sound more intellectual? (not saying that in a bad way) but sometimes when I write I really try to go over and above my natural writing ability. what I do (at least for the gmat) is I keep it simple...
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by tmp123 » Mon May 17, 2010 7:38 am
money9111 wrote:not sure... let me ask you this though... we're you writing to try to sound more intellectual? (not saying that in a bad way) but sometimes when I write I really try to go over and above my natural writing ability. what I do (at least for the gmat) is I keep it simple...
I am not sure I understand your question, Intellectual regarding content wise? Those are the examples I can think of when I went through the passage.

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by money9111 » Mon May 17, 2010 8:38 am
hhmm for example:

You can write the same sentence two ways:

Yours - "One reason for my belief is that customers cannot always get complete information about a product."

Could easily be written as - "I believe that customers cannot get complete information about a product" or "It's my belief that customers cannot get information about a product"

In my opinion the "One reason for my belief is that..." is wordy and I think there are easier ways to say what you want to get across, but what I don't know is whether that's just how you write or if you were trying to make it more difficult.

I also realized that there are more grammatical mistakes than I orginally saw. Be careful with the word "business" it's singular but you're using it as though it were plural. For instance:

"In summary, while it is not always possible to provide complete information about a product but business(ES) should take responsibility to provide complete information about a product or service."

another example -

"It is better for business(ES) to provide complete information before hand and leave the decision making to customers or else business(ES) might face serious law suits."
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by tmp123 » Mon May 17, 2010 3:42 pm
Got it ...thank you.

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by avaluxe » Thu May 27, 2010 6:21 pm
Hi there! I think you make excellent points, but perhaps you could spend more time on your punctuation and spelling.

For example, your first paragraph appears as a run-on sentence as it's lacking commas in the right places. We need some commas to know where to pause when reading.

Also, I wonder if your essay would be stronger if you avoided "I" and "My" when the thoughts can be restated. An example, as pointed out by money9111: "One reason for my belief is that customers cannot always get complete information about a product." Restate this by dropping the "my belief" and you'll sound more authoritative.

Granted, this is just my take based on my prep class and what they claim the test is looking for.

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