Those who are the most financially successful have worked th

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I am not in accordance with the given topic. It is not justified to consider that
those who are financially successful have always worked hard. Hard work can
be of different kinds. Likewise, many people who are financially successful,
may have used unscrupulous ways to earn money and this cannot be
considered the result of hard work. In my opinion, a piece of work can be
considered as hard work only when it is done with full honesty and virtuosity.
But again it cannot be concluded that the outcome of hard work is always
financial success.

For e.g. if we consider a labourer, he works day and night to earn enough
money to make ends meet. But it is often seen that in spite of his excruciating
hard work with full honesty, he does not earn much to have a decent living. On
the contrary, a smuggler or a drug peddler, using dishonest means, earns a
number of times more than the labourer. He does not require to work hard to
be financially successful.

There are number of benevolent people who work hard for the gain of mankind
without considering gain for themselves. If we consider Mother Teresa, she is
considered an epitome of benevolence and kindness. She had worked hard all
her life just to bring smile on faces of thousands of orphans and abandoned
without thinking about financial success.

Again, if we consider a person who has inherited an astronomical amount of
property from his forefathers is also quite successful in matters of finance and
this does not require an iota of hard work. Hence, the person is financially
successful without having to work, let alone hard work.

Hence, I would like to conclude by saying that it is not wise to relate hard work
with financial success. To be financially successful, hard work is not the only
ingredient needed, there are other factors which influences it. rather, I would
like to say that, whether it is financial success or failure, hard work coupled
with honesty always gives moral success and mental satisfaction which is
quite a big success.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by grockit_andrea » Sun Aug 01, 2010 10:29 am
I can't really give you any notes on your content here, because you didn't post the issue prompt. While I gather from your essay that it was about hard work leading to financial success, I'm not sure if there's anything more to it. That being said, I have a couple of thoughts for you: first, you might want to focus more on your organization. Some of your paragraphs don't have clear topic sentences; they go directly into examples without stating a clear point. You should also make sure to spell words out completely; using an abbreviation like e.g. in the body of a sentence, rather than in a parenthetical or other "aside," looks a little sloppy to me.
You did a good job of clearly stating and reinforcing your thesis, but focusing more on your structure and organization will improve your essay.
Andrea A.
Grockit Tutor
https://www.grockit.com

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