Comments, please? [Excelsior coffee; scored 5 on GMAT write]

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How would you rate my essay?

6
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Hello fellow GMAT takers and GMAT experts,

I've just completed an AWA essay on the GMAT Write software and scored a 5. I'm posting the essay here for sharing, and I wonder if I could get some comments for areas for improvement.

I took 45 minutes, and my test is in a week's time. I'll aim for 30 minutes in my second attempt.

Please help, and many thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
Nathalie

"The Excelsior Company plans to introduce its own brand of coffee. Since coffee is an expensive food item, and since there are already many established brands of coffee, the best way to gain customers for the Excelsior brand is to do what Superior, the leading coffee company, did when it introduced the newest brand in its line of coffees: conduct a temporary sales promotion that offers free samples, price reductions, and discount coupons for the new brand."

Response

The writer of the memorandum from Excelsior believes that if it executes a similar promotional strategy that the leading brand, Superior, has done, it will be able to gain customers for the new coffee brand it hopes to launch. Unfortunately, Excelsior's strategy is flawed, because its actions are insufficient to break into an existing market, and unsustainable over time.

Firstly, the writer points out that coffee is an expensive food item, yet its sales strategy is based on free samples, price reductions and discount coupons which seems unprudent from a cost point of view. Moreover, when Excelsior's introductory sales offer ends, it will very likely see a strong drop in its customer base. Furthermore, to make this strategy effective, Excelsior will need to train good sales teams to promote their coffee to the customer base to try to win them over, which further adds to the cost of their campagning. This is also assuming Excelsior's coffee tastes better than Superior's coffee which the writer omits from the memorandum.

Secondly, there is little said about Superior's coffee and why it is the market leader. Does Superior's appeal come from its price point, status, endorsements or simply that it has been the longest brand in existence and therefore a staple in each household and office? This information would have been helpful in such an analysis is to understand the differentiating factor between Superior and Excelsior. The same analysis should be done by Excelsior with other leading market brands, to know what it is up against.

Thirdly, Excelsior should not expect the same results as Superior especially when it is breaking into the coffee market. As the market follower, Excelsior needs to innovate, perhaps by introducing new flavours or niche products like caffine-free coffee. It could also promote a marketing strategy that emphasizes free trade or organic benefits if it helps set Excelsior apart, and if these are indeed benefits that would customers buy Excelsior's coffee. Excelsior could also seek out targeted customer markets (free samples at MBA schools, maybe?)

In conclusion, Excelsior is running its marketing campaign without sufficient insight about Superior's coffee and with little consideration about the sustainability of its business after the price reduction promotions have ended. With some smart market analysis, Excelsior may quite easily find ways to reach out to a customer base, and think about how to keep them coming back for more coffee.
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by Brent@GMATPrepNow » Mon Apr 15, 2013 5:22 am
Nathalie wrote:Hello fellow GMAT takers and GMAT experts,

I've just completed an AWA essay on the GMAT Write software and scored a 5. I'm posting the essay here for sharing, and I wonder if I could get some comments for areas for improvement.

I took 45 minutes, and my test is in a week's time. I'll aim for 30 minutes in my second attempt.

Please help, and many thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
Nathalie

"The Excelsior Company plans to introduce its own brand of coffee. Since coffee is an expensive food item, and since there are already many established brands of coffee, the best way to gain customers for the Excelsior brand is to do what Superior, the leading coffee company, did when it introduced the newest brand in its line of coffees: conduct a temporary sales promotion that offers free samples, price reductions, and discount coupons for the new brand."

Response

The writer of the memorandum from Excelsior believes that if it executes a similar promotional strategy that the leading brand, Superior, has done, it will be able to gain customers for the new coffee brand it hopes to launch. Unfortunately, Excelsior's strategy is flawed, because its actions are insufficient to break into an existing market, and unsustainable over time.

Firstly, the writer points out that coffee is an expensive food item, yet its sales strategy is based on free samples, price reductions and discount coupons which seems unprudent from a cost point of view. (Explain why it's not prudent. One could argue that it is prudent to offer lower prices on an expensive product) Moreover, when Excelsior's introductory sales offer ends, it will very likely see a strong drop in its customer base. Furthermore, to make this strategy effective, Excelsior will need to train good sales teams to promote their coffee to the customer base to try to win them over, which further adds to the cost of their campagning. (this is off topic. Your role is to critique the argument. That is, critique the way in which the author's conclusion follows/doesn't follow from the premises. Your role is not to offer marketing advice) This is also assuming Excelsior's coffee tastes better than Superior's coffee which the writer omits from the memorandum.

Secondly, there is little said about Superior's coffee and why it is the market leader. Does Superior's appeal come from its price point, status, endorsements or simply that it has been the longest brand in existence and therefore a staple in each household and office? This information would have been helpful in such an analysis is to understand the differentiating factor between Superior and Excelsior. The same analysis should be done by Excelsior with other leading market brands, to know what it is up against. Good paragraph.


Thirdly, Excelsior should not expect the same results as Superior especially when it is breaking into the coffee market. As the market follower, Excelsior needs to innovate, perhaps by introducing new flavours or niche products like caffine-free coffee. It could also promote a marketing strategy that emphasizes free trade or organic benefits if it helps set Excelsior apart, and if these are indeed benefits that would customers buy Excelsior's coffee. Excelsior could also seek out targeted customer markets (free samples at MBA schools, maybe?) (this entire paragraph is largely off topic. Critique the argument directly, not indirectly via marketing advice )

In conclusion, Excelsior is running its marketing campaign without sufficient insight about Superior's coffee and with little consideration about the sustainability of its business after the price reduction promotions have ended. With some smart market analysis, Excelsior may quite easily find ways to reach out to a customer base, and think about how to keep them coming back for more coffee.
When critiquing an argument, you should always determine the argument type. Here we have an analogy argument (here's what the leading coffee company did, so we'll be successful if we do the same thing) and a bit of a cause and effect argument (doing these things will cause success to occur).

Once you've identified the argument type(s), your critique should examine the problems associated with those types. For example, analogy arguments rely on the premise/assumption that the two compared entities are nearly identical. So, a critique should examine why the two compared identities are NOT identical (as you did in your 4th paragraph).

Having said all of that, it's still a strong essay. I'm just pointing out ways to get you to a score of 6.

Cheers,
Brent
Brent Hanneson - Creator of GMATPrepNow.com
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by Nathalie » Tue Apr 16, 2013 4:29 am
Thanks, Brent. You've offered a very good takeaway on understanding the type of argument and what critique is required! I hope I will stay on topic / address the argument more directly the next time.

Thanks again! This has been very helpful.

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