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Please rate my essay.... 2

Expert replies
by dream700 » Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:27 am
AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Issues
ESSAY QUESTION:

"Companies should be prohibited from monitoring e-mail correspondence of their employees, since this policy destroys the atmosphere of trust and undermines employee morale."

From your perspective, how accurate is the above statement? Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:

The highest level of trust, one can imagine between a founder of the company and it's employees could also be shaken. This is apparent from the recent Satyam Fiasco in India. Satyam (now called Satyam Mahindra) is a major IT services firm in India. It's very own founder Mr. R.R. Raju, along with few Director members and even the auditors, the world renowned PwC Firm were involved in a scam now estimated to be in millions of dollars. For a company all it's employees are same and when scams of such mammoth proportion goes unnoticed it calls for a major monitoring of all kind of communication going in and out of a Company. Thus I find the position of the author drawn from a sentimental point of view and lacking the practical touch.

The company's database consists of very sensitive data. In an IT firm it could be codes and business documents and in a pharmaceutical company it could be documents containing years of research and which is of a great value to the company. If such information of great importance is revealed to the competitors of the Company it can result in heavy losses.

These days, a project from a client is obtained through a bidding process. Even a small clue of which can result into loosing on those businesses. Being in an IT company, I know how often we come across documents of great importance and passing those to someone else can be so detrimental to the company.

Also lately, a deluge of forward mails and sharing of media files consume a huge amount of company resources for unwanted reasons. When it goes beyond a limit, the company may have to act strict.

The relation between a Comapny and its employees is based on a sound understanding and a knowledge of each other's requirement. So a thing like monitoring e-mail correspondence of its employees, a company is not going out of line. I believe a majority of employess already fine with this until and unless it's not breaching their privacy.

Thus to conclude, I belive the author fails to provide substantial arguments to prove his point. He also fails to view the practical need on the companies' part to monitor e-mail correspondence of their employees. Thus the argument represents only one side of the coin and fails to portray the complete picture.
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Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

by albatross86 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:26 am
This one is closer to a 4 because of a few fundamental flaws.

First of all, you have presented your essay suspiciously like an argument essay. In an issue essay, you must never talk about the "author's argument" or anything like that.

In your introduction, you need to provide a general background to the issue at hand. What is this talking about? What is the current situation in the world with respect to this issue... and what are the circumstances within which one must analyze it? Acknowledge the underlying issue first before analyzing the opinion!

The body paragraphs need to be independent aspects with clear concise examples. You need chunkier paragraphs and you need to explain each example that you cite, and how it relates to the issue. Two sentences does not warrant a separate paragraph and you will definitely put the reader off the organization of your essay if it is not properly structured.

Aim for 3 solid body paragraphs, each targeting an independent aspect that is a factor or consequence of the issue, and provide a real-life or personal example of each.

Your concluding paragraph should never be about "the author fails to provide.." You are not critiquing an argument but are presenting your take on an issue. Yes - the essay topic may seem to be advocating one side of the issue but you need to identify what the underlying issue is, and talk about that, not just the side the topic seems to support. Also include a personal opinion here, perhaps an experience u've had that led you to form your own opinion.

Good luck!
~Abhay

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. -- Andre Gide
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