Hello,
I am not a native speaker. Would you like to give me your feedback on the following AWA, please ?
And if you can, would you like to score it, please ? It is my second one so don't be too hard with me
Thank you very much for your help
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Source : Manhattan GMAT :
The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:
"In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferris wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferris wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."
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The argument claims that in order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, the organization of the fundraising event will install larger thrilling rides, game vendor will award more expensive prizes, charge a higher entrance fee, and increase the commission on the vendor's revenue. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention several key factors on the basis of which the argument could be evaluated, manipulates facts and conveys a distorted view of the situation. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumption for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.
First the argument readily assumes that the installation of a taller Ferris wheel compared to the previous year will help to attract people. This argument is a stretch and is not substantiated in any ways. Indeed, the author does not clearly demonstrate how and why this taller Ferris wheel will attract more people. The argument would have been a lot more convincing if the author explicitly stated that one of the main attraction in the Ferris wheel and last year all the participant wanted to have a taller Ferris wheel in order to enjoy the great landscape that the region can offer.
Secondly, the argument claims that the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes so the organization will be able to charge a higher entrance fee. This is again a weak and unsupported claims as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between the actions taken by the organization and the increase of entrance fee. If the author had clearly mentioned that the participants are multicultural and that last year, they wanted to test not only local food but also international food, then the argument would have been a lot more convincing.
Finally, what will be the increase in the entrance fee ? And what does it mean expensive prizes ? What about the revenues and the costs of this operation ? Are there any others mean to earn money for supplemental school programs ? Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with the impression that the argument is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.
In conclusion the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened that the majority of the people who will come at this year's School Fair are family members of the students and those people will have no issues to spend more money in order to increase supplemental school programs. Without this information the argument remains weak and open to debate.
I am not a native speaker. Would you like to give me your feedback on the following AWA, please ?
And if you can, would you like to score it, please ? It is my second one so don't be too hard with me
Thank you very much for your help
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source : Manhattan GMAT :
The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:
"In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferris wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferris wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."
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The argument claims that in order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, the organization of the fundraising event will install larger thrilling rides, game vendor will award more expensive prizes, charge a higher entrance fee, and increase the commission on the vendor's revenue. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention several key factors on the basis of which the argument could be evaluated, manipulates facts and conveys a distorted view of the situation. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumption for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.
First the argument readily assumes that the installation of a taller Ferris wheel compared to the previous year will help to attract people. This argument is a stretch and is not substantiated in any ways. Indeed, the author does not clearly demonstrate how and why this taller Ferris wheel will attract more people. The argument would have been a lot more convincing if the author explicitly stated that one of the main attraction in the Ferris wheel and last year all the participant wanted to have a taller Ferris wheel in order to enjoy the great landscape that the region can offer.
Secondly, the argument claims that the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes so the organization will be able to charge a higher entrance fee. This is again a weak and unsupported claims as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between the actions taken by the organization and the increase of entrance fee. If the author had clearly mentioned that the participants are multicultural and that last year, they wanted to test not only local food but also international food, then the argument would have been a lot more convincing.
Finally, what will be the increase in the entrance fee ? And what does it mean expensive prizes ? What about the revenues and the costs of this operation ? Are there any others mean to earn money for supplemental school programs ? Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with the impression that the argument is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.
In conclusion the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened that the majority of the people who will come at this year's School Fair are family members of the students and those people will have no issues to spend more money in order to increase supplemental school programs. Without this information the argument remains weak and open to debate.
