Any comments on this essay...

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Any comments on this essay...

by vedvishwa » Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:00 am
Topic (Analysis of an Issue): "Everywhere, it seems, there are clear and positive signs that people are becoming more respectful of one another's differences."

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Author's claim of people becoming more respectful of one another's differences is very much true in the modern day world. This is particularly true in the case of respecting other's culture, tradition and religion, thanks to the age of internet, media and globalization. These entities have not only helped bring people closer, but also helped fostering a better understanding of their differences.

In pre-modern world, due to lack of communication and awareness people used to live in isolated worlds of their own. For them, their own culture, tradition, and religion mattered most and was all existing. This made them dogmatic about their own opinions and beliefs. Any intrusion of a foreign thought in their communities would make them restive. There was clear cut dichotomy between East and West. East used to hold its conservative thinking while West its liberal thinking. Although business relations were there, there was little cultural exchange between people in these parts of the world.

The emergence of communications such as telephones, mobiles and internet, the development of various modes of transport such as vehicles, trains and aeroplanes, and the globalization of corporations has created much much awareness about each other and has caused great movement of people from one place to other. Due to all this, obviously, there is a exchange of people matters to a large extent. For example, in today's world, India and china are not unaware of western way of thinking and even benefitted from the philosophies of individualist feminism, human rights, etc., and similarly, America and Europe are very much aware of way of lives in India and China, and they appreciate the benefits of living religious life as prevailing in Eastern countries.

So, it can be conclusively said that people are becoming acceptable to the differences of one another. This can be witnessed clearly in contrast with the lives in pre-modern era. Today, people have become closer to each other due to modern technology and globalization leading to ferverant exchange of cultures among people from different parts of the globe.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by ymohiuddin » Thu Aug 19, 2010 11:31 am
Hi vedvishwa:

Here are my thoughts on your essay. I see where you are trying to go, but think you need to reevaulate your organizational strategy when you write.

My biggest criticism is that the entire essay really only gives one example. Paragraph one discusses the reasons for the inward-looking nature of society in the past and gives a somewhat vague example of East and West. But you don't mention any signs that things have changed until the next paragraph. Your India-China example is good, but structure wise your essay would benefit if you combined both into one paragraph and added a second paragraph with a different example. In your intro you mention the reasons for this shift and reiterate this in para 2 with some other reasons but ideally you should break these up.

Maybe you could start by mentioning why in the past people were very reluctant to accept other's differences (elaborate upon the isolation theory). If sticking with an East-West or India-China example you could mention how and why India's foreign policy used to be very anti-American, for example. Then might illustrate how, with the help of modern transport and communication (as you have done in para 2) or other factors this has changed into a positive relationship (giving another example, like maybe the Indo-US nuclear deal).

In para 2 you could aim for a similar structure comparing an old attitude to a new one but give a different example of a positive sign that society is more accepting of different beliefs, ideas, etc. Then explain the reason for this (you mention globalization of corporations and migration).

Basically I thik you just need to show why you chose the examples you did and give a stronger illustration of why and how people are more respectful of other's differences. And I think you need to structure your essay differently so it is more organized into separate thoughts, instead of the entire essay sort of being one continuous thought.

I would also suggest you make use of transition words (First, furthermore, in addition, etc.) when introducing your second and third paragraphs (you have done so in the concluding paragraph). This makes it easier to distinguish between ideas.

Overall, I like the concepts and examples you have broached but think they should be fleshed out and reorganized.

P.S. This is the first essay I have personally reviewed. I am by no means a GMAT expert...so don't take this as gospel. My essays have so far only been in the 4-5 range. But I thought I could offer some tips anyway. Hope it helps somewhat Good luck!

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by vedvishwa » Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:08 am
Hi ymohiuddin,

I am vishwanath. You can call me vish or vedu.

Whether you're a GMAT cracker or not it doesn't matter to me as long as your assessment is honest.
I too have observed what you have noticed in this essay and i agree with you.
Basically, you mean that content in this essay could be more effective and could include diversified examples, right? Point taken.

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