How to improve this essay?

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How to improve this essay?

by piyush_nitt » Sat May 02, 2009 1:45 pm
“No one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or ‘get rich’ in business by conforming to conventional practices or ways of
thinking.”
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your
own experience, observations, or reading.


I agree with the stated opinion that business do need much more to achieve success than just following traditional practices.

Today, The businessess have to have a unique selling points to attract the customers or consumers. They cannot get rich just by following traditional ideas. for example , walkmans introduced by sony was condsidered to be the best. After the launch of walkmans, some people predicted that walkmans would be the next big thing in the music sector. But then apple came up with the revolutionary ipod which not only dethroned the walkmans monopoly but also made huge profits in a years time. So the key of the Ipod success was continous innovation and different presective of looking at the things.

On the similiar lines, success of Google is another example. Google impacted each and every individual's life in a certain aspect. Google , came up with search engine which was much more efficient and faster than existing search engines during that time such as Ask me etc. Again , The offbeat thinking of Larry Page and Co took revenue of a company to billion dollar mark in no time.

Admittedly , some people may say that its good to follow old and proven practices. But they have to understand that in this continouous evolving world , If a business has to survive it has to be more flexible and come up with new ideas to offer to consumers. BUsinessess cannot solely survived only on the basiss of the traditional practices.

In sum , the conitnuous innovation and unique selling points is the key to success for businessess. Businessess just cannot rely only on traditional practices to make profits.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by Jose Ferreira » Mon May 04, 2009 4:49 pm
The opening paragraph should not be a simple first person statement. The preferred introductory paragraph should include a restatement of the quotation in your own words, followed by a thesis.

The first sentence of your second paragraph would have been an interesting point to put into your intro paragraph. The first sentence of a body paragraph should state what the rest of that paragraph will be about. Something like:

"The launch of Apple's innovative iPod in the late 1990s demonstrates the success a company can achieve through non-conventional business practices."

Additionally, some facts and figures always help in these essays. Mention the exact year when iPods overtook Walkmen. Mention the accolades Steve Jobs garnered. If you do not know this type of information, only generalities, then read up on facts and examples before test day. Have some information ready to go on 10-12 different examples. The GMAT will not be fact checking your essay, but some specific information will increase the sophistication of your writing.

Another way to increase the sophistication of your writing is to eliminate the colloquialisms in your essay. Rather than "in no time" say "within several years." Rather than "So the key of the Ipod success was continous innovation and different presective of looking at the things." say "The success of iPods resulted from continuous innovation and a unique perspective."

Also, proofread your essays! Spend a few minutes going over what you have written. The number of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes really add up in this essay and impede my ability to get through it.
Jose Ferreira
Founder and CEO, Knewton, Inc.
https://www.knewton.com/gmat

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