Analysis of Issue - Please rate

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Please rate my essay

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Analysis of Issue - Please rate

by hja379 » Mon Jan 24, 2011 6:11 am
ESSAY QUESTION:
"Children today have an unprecedented number of options when it comes to entertainment. Since no parent can be aware of all of these options, it falls to the entertainment media to ensure that their content is suitable for young consumers."
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your point of view with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


YOUR RESPONSE:
Compared to a decade ago, media industry grew from a few hundred million dollar industry to a huge empire with hundreds of billions invested from cable companies to hedge funds. The number of channels available to watch grew ten fold. In the preceding statement the author claims that the responsibility of regulating the content presented to children is in the hands of entertainment media and not parents. This statement presents a controversial topic and the debate has been going on for several years. There are some people who strongly support that entertainment industry must be held accountable for the content presented, while there are others who think that it is the responsibility of the parents to make sure that their children watch media content that is more age appropriate. Though entertainment media should be held responsible for what they produce, I strongly think that it should ultimately be the parents who should be controlling what their kids watch.

There are two primary reasons why I disagree with the opinion presented above. The media industry is a private organization which keeps the stock holders interests before anything else. It is not a non-profit organization, but an entity driven by profits and sales. There have been several instances where third party independent bodies voiced their opinion to make sure the media is age appropriate. One study conducted by the Institute of Media Entertainment Research surveyed 300 movies and 100 television shows that were rated and found several violations of the rating system. An alarming rate of 60 percent of the media consisted of graphic scenes and explicit content that was not suited for children.

Another example is a recent MTV show that was produced originally in UK. It passed all the censorship certifications and was released. But it created quite a stir among the public. Parents realized that the reality show casted minors in sexually explicit scenes. This according to the regulatory body, is a violation of Children's Media Act. This example bolsters my case that parents should eventually be more responsible for controlling the content watched by their children.

In sum. though the topic at hand has merit, the author takes a stance on the wrong side which is weakened by the examples mentioned above. There should be more independent bodies to oversee the media content produced, but at the end parents should be more responsible and they should make sure the content is appropriate. There should be forums, blogs and other internet sites to provide independent reviews of the shows and other parent to share information thus helping them choose.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by Tani » Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:50 am
This is a strong, well-written essay, but I do have a concern. Unless you are a media professional it is unlikely you would have the specific details included at your fingertips. My reaction is that either you researched this online before writing the essay or you made up the data.

In the first case, while this produces a nice essay it does not replicate the situation you will face on the GMAT and therefore is not a useful exercise in preparing for the test.

In the latter case, this is very risky. Unless you let the reader know you are an expert in the field you chanced to get as a topic, it will be assumed you made up the information. This will not result in a good score. You also face the risk that your reader, who by this time will have many essays on this topic will have looked up some of the data and will know that you are bluffing.

In summary. while this is well-written you need to be very careful about using highly specific data unless you can validate why you would have that much information on a randomly assigned topic.
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by hja379 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:37 am
Tani Wolff - Kaplan wrote:This is a strong, well-written essay, but I do have a concern. Unless you are a media professional it is unlikely you would have the specific details included at your fingertips. My reaction is that either you researched this online before writing the essay or you made up the data.

In the first case, while this produces a nice essay it does not replicate the situation you will face on the GMAT and therefore is not a useful exercise in preparing for the test.

In the latter case, this is very risky. Unless you let the reader know you are an expert in the field you chanced to get as a topic, it will be assumed you made up the information. This will not result in a good score. You also face the risk that your reader, who by this time will have many essays on this topic will have looked up some of the data and will know that you are bluffing.

In summary. while this is well-written you need to be very careful about using highly specific data unless you can validate why you would have that much information on a randomly assigned topic.
Last edited by hja379 on Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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by Tani » Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:50 pm
I would be very cautious about making stuff up. Remember here, you are trying to show that the author hasn't given you enough to support his argument. Simply saying that you need data is enough. You are not trying to prove him wrong, simply show that his argument is unsupported.
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by hja379 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:23 pm
Tani Wolff - Kaplan wrote:I would be very cautious about making stuff up. Remember here, you are trying to show that the author hasn't given you enough to support his argument. Simply saying that you need data is enough. You are not trying to prove him wrong, simply show that his argument is unsupported.
Point taken. Will try to keep the specifics more generic. Thanks a lot.

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by Tani » Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:34 pm
You could certainly say something such as "if as much as 60% of the target audience thinks xyz...". In other words, "make up" examples, not facts.
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by VivianKerr » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:22 pm
Just to throw in my thoughts - I agree with Tani. NEVER make up statistics. Facts and statistics are never all that impressive on the issue essay unless they happen to fit into your argument perfectly.

What IS impressive is strong rhetorical skill; focus on the drive and clarity of your argument, and then pepper in relevant facts if applicable. I have NEVER read an essay and thought afterward, I wish it had more data! But I often read essays and think, that wasn't very clear or I wish they had more fully explained how their examples supported the thesis.

I agree that this is very well-written and well thought-out. Now, to get super nit-picky! :)

It may be my own personal preference, but I believe it weakens your essay to refer back to the prompt, such as when you say, "In the preceding statement..." The graders have read the prompt many times. Give them something they don't know, and allow your essay to stand alone so it could be understood by someone who had never read the prompt.

Avoid self-reference UNLESS you are using personal experience as one of your examples. Remove "I strongly think" from your thesis. We know these are your ideas - you wrote this essay! :) Your thesis clearly chooses a side -well done.

"There are two primary reasons...." You don't need to preface your support. Just dive right into your examples and start the paragraph with that 2nd sentence.

For your 2nd example, make sure to give more concrete information. You neglect to name the show!

For the conclusion, don't reference "the author" - this is NOT the argument essay. You are refuting an opposing position, not a specific individual. It's an EXCELLENT idea to introduce the opposing viewpoint and reiterate your thesis. Nicely done.

Overall, it would be nice to see a 3rd example. You can save time by making your introduction 2-3 sentences (get right to that thesis). Your introductory and concluding paragraphs should be the shortest paragraphs, not the longest. Spend more time on the "meat" of the essay.

Hope this helps! [/i]
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by Tani » Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:16 pm
Agree with Vivian!

If you are not taking a prep course, at least look for a GMAT book that includes a template for the essays. Using a proven template will help you control the length and the emphasis.
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by hja379 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 7:25 am
VivianKerr wrote:Just to throw in my thoughts - I agree with Tani. NEVER make up statistics. Facts and statistics are never all that impressive on the issue essay unless they happen to fit into your argument perfectly.

What IS impressive is strong rhetorical skill; focus on the drive and clarity of your argument, and then pepper in relevant facts if applicable. I have NEVER read an essay and thought afterward, I wish it had more data! But I often read essays and think, that wasn't very clear or I wish they had more fully explained how their examples supported the thesis.

I agree that this is very well-written and well thought-out. Now, to get super nit-picky! :)

It may be my own personal preference, but I believe it weakens your essay to refer back to the prompt, such as when you say, "In the preceding statement..." The graders have read the prompt many times. Give them something they don't know, and allow your essay to stand alone so it could be understood by someone who had never read the prompt.

Hi Vivian,

I read all your post in the AWA section. They were pretty good. Gave me very good pointers to refine both my structure as well as content.

Thanks.

Avoid self-reference UNLESS you are using personal experience as one of your examples. Remove "I strongly think" from your thesis. We know these are your ideas - you wrote this essay! :) Your thesis clearly chooses a side -well done.

"There are two primary reasons...." You don't need to preface your support. Just dive right into your examples and start the paragraph with that 2nd sentence.

For your 2nd example, make sure to give more concrete information. You neglect to name the show!

For the conclusion, don't reference "the author" - this is NOT the argument essay. You are refuting an opposing position, not a specific individual. It's an EXCELLENT idea to introduce the opposing viewpoint and reiterate your thesis. Nicely done.

Overall, it would be nice to see a 3rd example. You can save time by making your introduction 2-3 sentences (get right to that thesis). Your introductory and concluding paragraphs should be the shortest paragraphs, not the longest. Spend more time on the "meat" of the essay.

Hope this helps! [/i]

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by hja379 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 7:27 am
Tani Wolff - Kaplan wrote:Agree with Vivian!

If you are not taking a prep course, at least look for a GMAT book that includes a template for the essays. Using a proven template will help you control the length and the emphasis.
Hi Tani,

I picked up the Kaplan Verbal book and went through the AWA section. Found the template to be useful and am working on my own template.

Thanks again.

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by Tani » Sat Jan 29, 2011 7:33 am
Great. Glad we were helpful. I find the templates provide excellent ways to organize your thoughts as well as your writing.
Tani Wolff

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