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Last essay post before the big day!

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Last essay post before the big day!

by v_schame » Thu Jan 24, 2013 8:52 pm
Hi everyone,

This is my last essay posting before the big day! Thank you for any comments that can be given. I tried to include previous forum comments to make some final improvements when writing this new essay. One of my questions regarding this essay is whether is is too short/long enough/too long.

Essay question:

The following appeared in an article in a travel magazine:

"After the airline industry began requiring airlines to report their on-time rates, Speedee Airlines achieved the number one on-time rate, with more than 89 percent of its flights arriving on time each month. And now Speedee is offering more flights to more destinations than ever before. Clearly, Speedee is the best choice for today's business traveler."

My prep work:

Evidence:
"¢ Number one on-time rate
"¢ 89% of flights arrive on time
"¢ More destinations

Conclusion: Speedee is the best choice for business travel.

Flaws:
"¢ Vague word choice: What makes an airline the best?
"¢ Are the destinations of interest to business travelers?
"¢ How does Speedee compare to other airlines? It's offer is better than before but how does it compare?

My essay:

In this article, the author falsely concludes that Speedee is the best choice for business travelers. In drawing his conclusion, he fails to compare Speedee to other airlines, makes unfounded assumptions and uses vague words in his analysis.

First, in stating that Speedee is the best airline, the author fails to mention how Speedy compare to other airlines beyond being the most on-time. Although Speedee has made improvements, the author does not mention how it compares to other airlines in terms of the number of flights and destinations offered. Therefore, the author cannot conclude that Speedee is the best without examining the other airlines to which it is compared.

Secondly, the author argues that Speedee is the best airline for business travelers because it offers more destinations and flights than before. In constructing his argument, the author assumed that these destinations and flight times are ones that business travelers value. If this class of travelers is not seeking the destinations and flights that Speedee offers, it is not the best airline for business travelers.

Thirdly, the author uses a vague term in his conclusion. By employing the word "best", the author fails to identify the aspects that make an airline superior in the eyes of business travelers. Since it is impossible to determine whether an airline is superior because of its planes, ticket prices or customer service, the author cannot conclude that Speedee is the best based on its punctuality, and many flights and destinations.

To conclude, the author could strengthen his argument by including basic statistics and reviews of other airlines. It would also be useful to know which aspects of the airline industry are important business travelers. However, as the argument stands, the author's conclusion is not supported based on the reasons stated above.
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by ceilidh.erickson » Fri Jan 25, 2013 10:17 am
You essay is perfectly appropriate in length - not too long, not too short. It it well-structured, with clearly articulated points, thoughtfully conveyed. I like that you take care to outline/prepare you essay before you start writing; that's important. Grammar and usage are great.

The only minor quibbles that I have...

- Your 3rd body paragraph starts to get redundant. You've already made the point that "best" hasn't been defined, because we don't have a comparison to other airlines, or other metrics besides punctuality. I think you could have condensed the 1st and 3rd body paragraph into one.

- Whenever a specific statistic is given, be sure to address the possible interpretations. We're told that 89% of flights are on time. What about the other 11%? If each of those was delayed by 20 hrs, its possible that Speedee might not have a better average punctuality rating, potentially undermining the idea of "best."

Other than that, I think this is a really solid essay! You have nothing to worry about.
Ceilidh Erickson
EdM in Mind, Brain, and Education
Harvard Graduate School of Education
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by tanviet » Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:08 am
"After the airline industry began requiring airlines to report their on-time rates, Speedee Airlines achieved the number one on-time rate, with more than 89 percent of its flights arriving on time each month. And now Speedee is offering more flights to more destinations than ever before. Clearly, Speedee is the best choice for today's business traveler."

I write without reading your writing.

assumption 1: good rating , best choice
assumption 2: more flight, best choice

the argument concludes that Speedee is the best choice. To support this conclusion, the author cites the evience that this airline gets the number one rating. The author also cites evidence that Speedee is offering more flights to more destinations. I see that the argument is not sound because if assume many important points without which the argument fall apart.

First, the argument assumes that the number one rating means the best choice. This assumption maybe not correct. It is possible that the ariline with number one rating is not the best choice. This things means many persons still choose other airlines which is not of number one rating. In my country, many persons including me choose the airlines which are cheapeast. We do not choose the airlines which get the best ratings. I think that this situation is popular. Considering this situation, the argument is not convincing. The argument would be more convincing if the author cite more evidence or statistics which prove that the customers like the number one rating and , so , the Speedee is the best choice.

The argument also assumes that offering more flights is one factor which makes the Speedee the best choice.I see that it is not certain that many persons like the airlines which offer many flights. It is possible that many customers dislike the airlines which offer many flights because the customers think that those airlines are not safe. In my countries, the airline offering many flights are the ones which most persons are afraid. In my countries, the airlines offering many flights have bad record of the safety. Those airlines often involved in more accidents. The argumenent would be more sound, if it presents the evidence that the customer like the ariline offering more flight and this offering is one factor which affects their choice.

In conclusion, I see that the argument is not sound because it assume many important points. The argument would be strengthened if it does what I suggest above.

My process is as folow:
write down the 2 assumptions, of course, I have to identify the evidence and conclusion.

begin to write.

I make introductory paragraph and conclusion paragraph simple
I write 2 body paragraph, each for one assumption.
normaly I explain and give example more for 2 asssumptions and have no time to write for the 3rd assumption. But I think deep analysis on 2 assumptions is better then shallow anylysin on 3 assumptions.

is that right?, pls comment on this point.

please, comment on my essay. Thank you.
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