AWA - Issue Analysis (Please review)

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AWA - Issue Analysis (Please review)

by ArpanaAmishi » Sat Jun 19, 2010 4:11 am
Issue

"Education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society. Just as property and money once were the keys to success, education has now become the element that most ensures success in life."

Response

Old days where people used to earn living and mange social status by the virtue of property and money they have ...basically their ancient's property & money. This formally got converted in the era of landlords gradually, where a single people used to own a big piece of fertilize earth over a village or state and all others are supposed to work with him on the wage basis. The life was luxurious for a single person over a village or state, however the rest were forced to live in a grim condition. Lucky nowadays we live in more advanced era the era of education in which opportunity is based mainly on education. The issue that "education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society. Just a property and money once were the keys to success, education has now become the element that most ensures success in life' is interesting and controversial, I agree with author that nowadays education has become the main provider of individual opportunity and the element that most ensures success in life.

Chief reason for this is Globalization that makes education much more important and ensures individual opportunity. For an example it's really impossible to work with a global organization until or unless you understand it and for understanding one must be educated. In lack of education none of us would be in position to work with global organizations and hence global organization would not enter in respective territory. Non existent of global entity would have its own repercussion like weaker economy, comparatively less opportunity and employment.
Secondary, without education respective societies may not be developing doctors and scientists despite of sufficient talent. And as a repercussion society would not have any opportunity in scientific areas like aeronautical, Medicine and all other major upcoming fields; as a result people would not be getting success either even though they have sufficient talent.
Third, without education society would not be well mannered and civilized and without being well behaved and civilized we may not be dealing with outside world that would ensure opportunity loss; additionally civilization is non negotiable for global presence . Lack of global presence would reduce opportunities further.
Fourth, without education people may end up with population blast and that would further ensure less resources per head; lesser employment comparatively, resultant lesser opportunity and chances to get success.

Those you disagree this statement might argue that property and money ensures that your entire life would be luxurious and there is no need to go for education. It's simple a time waste. For an example one can start earning money in the age of ~12+ however that is unlikely to happen if that particular person is going for education first. However it overlooks the need for global existence; scientific awareness and controlled population; moreover a civilized and well behaved society.

In sum, I have argued that education ensures individual opportunity and is the primary element that ensures success in life. This view will become increasingly in coming century given the fact that by education society can achieve global entities existence and collaboration , develop more employment opportunity furthermore by combining both society members would have more individual opportunities and success in life. Many of the issues is never been be resolved for everybody satisfaction but in long run it is required and will lead to betterment of all involved .Finally ,education has become main provider of individual opportunity and is the primary element that most ensures success in life.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by deepak1485 » Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:19 am
My observations :

- Good job in trying to organize the essay .
- Develop the points and substantiate with examples
instead of four reason try giving two reasons but develop them completely and cite examples .
- try to write for international audience .
Some one in US would not understand what you meant by 12th .Try some thing like secondary education .

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by grockit_andrea » Sun Jun 20, 2010 2:42 pm
I like the way you've clearly stated your position in the first paragraph and then reiterated it throughout. I also think it's great that you're using transition words to introduce your body paragraphs, and this essay is a nice length. Unfortunately, though, there's one major problem: your use of language isn't as strong as it could be. Word choice doesn't always make sense here, there is a consistent pattern of grammatical errors, and your syntax is often scrambled. Make a point of brushing up on your basic English mechanics and writing skills. The content of your essay shows a lot of promise, but it's not communicated as clearly as it could be, and you'll want to focus on improving that. Good luck to you!
Andrea A.
Grockit Tutor
https://www.grockit.com

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by ArpanaAmishi » Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:09 am
grockit_andrea wrote:I like the way you've clearly stated your position in the first paragraph and then reiterated it throughout. I also think it's great that you're using transition words to introduce your body paragraphs, and this essay is a nice length. Unfortunately, though, there's one major problem: your use of language isn't as strong as it could be. Word choice doesn't always make sense here, there is a consistent pattern of grammatical errors, and your syntax is often scrambled. Make a point of brushing up on your basic English mechanics and writing skills. The content of your essay shows a lot of promise, but it's not communicated as clearly as it could be, and you'll want to focus on improving that. Good luck to you!
Thanks Andrea to put across these points.

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by ArpanaAmishi » Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:27 pm
grockit_andrea wrote:I like the way you've clearly stated your position in the first paragraph and then reiterated it throughout. I also think it's great that you're using transition words to introduce your body paragraphs, and this essay is a nice length. Unfortunately, though, there's one major problem: your use of language isn't as strong as it could be.
Any suggestion ,how to improve ?
grockit_andrea wrote: Word choice doesn't always make sense here, there is a consistent pattern of grammatical errors, and your syntax is often scrambled. Make a point of brushing up on your basic English mechanics and writing skills.
Any recommemdation, from where I can findout good material?

Anyone has any idea ..please respond

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