Please Rate my Issue Analysis Essay

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Please Rate my Issue Analysis Essay

by SRGMAT » Wed Jun 23, 2010 1:26 pm
Hello everyone,

Analysis of Issue Question:

"Job security and salary should be based on employee performance, not on years of service. Rewarding employees primarily for years of service discourages people from maintaining consistently high levels of productivity."

My Essay:

I totally agree with the above statements. I believe that only performance - based rewarding will have a positive impact on productivity. In fact, every employer should acknowledge the best performing employees in order to keep them motivated, loyal, and explore the potential talent.

First of all, to be a successful enterprise, the employer must find and retain productive employees. Keeping the employees motivated through job security and salary should assure company's competitiveness. As it happens often, the outstanding employees are not necessarily the ones with the most years of service. Many times, people without much experience, could bring tremendous value and knowledge to companies. For example, one of my friends while in the college got a job on campus. She was helping the Office of Student Assistance with various projects. The people in that office were working there for a long time. However, my friend observed that they were doing a lot of manual work. Therefore, with the manager's approval she has put together some Excel spreadsheets which replaced a great part of their manual work. When the people in the office, including the manager, realized how convenient, efficient, and time-saving was to use those spreadsheets they immediately acknowledged the new team member. The manager extended the job contract and even increased the hourly rate. As a result, my friend became more motivated and continued to work with the team, and even instruct and educate them when necessary. The team only had to win; they even saved on the budget, since doing more work electrically, it made them reduce the use of paper.

Secondly, rewarding the employees based on their achievements will make them more loyal to their employer. For example, many companies have secrets: a formula, an ingredient, new research findings, etc. These employers usually hand the most difficult and sensitive part of their work to the brightest employees. Not rewarding properly these employees may put the entire company in jeopardy. If one employee feels that is not recognized enough by employer, he/she could find a job at a rival company where he/she may divulge the secret from previous employer.

Furthermore, employers should see the potential that some of the employees without many years of service might have. A good manager will always see the talent which, if properly rewarded, will stay and develop into an outstanding company contributor. This is more attributed to the newly graduates. Some of them will be full of ideas and new ways to solve problems which could add so much value to a company. By keeping these individuals within the company, employers will able to develop the talent and make the best of it.

In conclusion, I want to emphasize how important is to reward the employees based on their performance - not on the years of service. It's in the employers' best interest to motivate, keep loyal, and explore the potential of employees. This should have only positive effects on productivity and work environment.

Thank you!
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by SM2010 » Thu Jun 24, 2010 8:09 am
I'll give you some of my suggestions even though I'm only a GMAT student myself, however writing essays have always been my strongest point (got 6.0 in awa in the real exam and also 6 in all the practice ones I did on gmat write). Analysing other people's essays also helps me with my own essay skills!

I think your essay is good but there are a few grammatical errors which I'll show below. Also, personally I think that even though it's good to take a strong view on an argument (rather than sitting on the fence) it is also good to show some consideration for the opposite view and then write about why you don't agree with that view. You could do that by simply writing "some people claim that ....", followed by "However, this claim is flawed because of ...." or whatever way you choose.

So for example some people may claim that it is beneficial for some firm's to reward their employees based on years of service, as this may cause the employees to develop a long term interest and passion for the company, which may translate into higher productivity in the long term. This can be true especially in client-driven businesses where a sales-person (for example), has developed an extensive client base for the company throughout the years he or she has worked. You could then argue why this explanation is not strong based on whatever reason you choose, but I do think it's important to mention an opposing view point and then explain why the argument is not strong.

Secondly, I personally think it is a good idea to mention some of the assumptions you have made in the argument and explain why you think the assumption is reasonable (but briefly). So if you support the argument in the question, then you are basically assuming that employee performance is determined primarily by employee productivity. Determining the productivity of a worker can be difficult in some businesses. The productivity of a factory worker, on the other hand, can be very easy to measure as you can measure exactly how much he or she is producing. So basically just briefly mention that you are assuming that the employees' productivity can be measured relatively easily and that you believe that an employee's performance is mainly determined by his or her productivity.

I believe the following are some grammatical errors (p.s. CHECK WITH SOMEONE ELSE TOO because although I reckon essays are my strongest point, grammar is not but I think I'm improving lol). Instead of "should assure company's competitiveness" I think it's better to say "should assure that a company remains competitive". Instead of "Many times, people without..." it's probably better to say "In many cases, people without...". Don't think there should be a comma after "people without much experience", and the following word-"could"- should probably be "can". Instead of "one of my friends while in the college got a job on campus", either write "one of my friends, while at college, got a job on campus" or "one of my friends got a job at campus while she was at college". In the sentence "which replaced a great part of their manual work", I think it should be "which HAS replaced a great part...", because by using only 'replaced' you are assuming that it used to replace a great part of their manual work but doesn't anymore. You need to put a 'it' in this sentence: "realized how convenient, efficient and time-saving was", so it should be "realized how convenient, efficient and time saving IT was". "and even instruct and educate them" should be "and even instructED and educatED them when necessary". The sentence "The team only had to win; they....made them reduce the use of paper" is a bit confusing. By "win" , are you trying to imply gain/benefit? What exactly does "saved on the budget" mean? If you're trying to say that the company has managed to reduce their costs, the say exactly that. The reason I say this is because I think it's better to be as specific as possible especially because the essay is marked by a computer!! So in this sentence I would personally write "The result was of great benefit to the company; the company managed to reduce its costs, since the increase in electronic work has reduced the need to use paper".

The sentence "If one employee feels that is not recognized" needs to have 'he or she' after 'feels', so: "If one employee feels that he or she is not recognized". In "employers will able to develop the talent..." you need to put a 'be', so "employers will BE able to develop the talent..".

Overall I reckon this is a really good essay but just pay attention to some of the grammar because I think that the computer that marks the essays will score you down if it finds quite a few errors. Also check with someone else who'se known to be very good at grammar to see if there are any other grammatical mistakes.

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by SRGMAT » Sat Jun 26, 2010 4:51 am
SM2010,

Thank you very much for your review. However, I have a question: is there a difference between the analysis of an Issue and an Argument? The reason I am asking is because I posted an issue analysis, but I saw that you mentioned a few times the word "argument" (e.g."personally I think that even though it's good to take a strong view on an argument").

Thanks!

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