Hello, second post, hopefully I can get the hang of this and help others do so as well. Thank you very much for your attention and consideration!
Please feel free to criticize away, this is the second essay I'm submitting for review. My GMAT is scheduled for early May and obviously I want to do really well. Thank you once again!
Prompt:"Recent technological improvements in electronic mail (E-mail) will resolve existing corporate communication problems. Vast quantities of information about products, services, and market transactions as well as most basic business communications, can be electronically exchanged, quickly and at a relatively low cost."
The argument that email is an essential tool in business is a valid one. The advent of email has been a great asset to businesses and will continue to be. However, the argument does not explain three key things: what the recent improvements were, what the existing corporate communication problems are, and how the new improvements in email will help corporate communications.
The first flaw in the argument is that the author fails to explain what the recent improvements were. Without knowing the improvements, one cannot compare how emails are now more useful. For example, if the author mentioned that the technological improvements in email is now that it doesn't need to be typed, but rather just dicated by a speaking person, the reader would be able to determine if this improvement is benefital to the company's corproate communications and if this improvement helped the company solve its communication problems.
The second flaw in the argument is that the author does not make clear what the corporate communication problems are. The reader has no way to determine whether the new improvements in email would help if they cannot know what needs help. The problem could be that their servers are too slow to support a large number of emails at any given time. If that is the case, any improvement that does not focus on the server would be fruitless.
The third issue that the author fails to communicate is how the improvements helped solve the communication problems. These are extremely hard to deduce considering the author did not present the problem or the solution. In the examples above, if dictation for emails were the new imrpovement, it would not solve the problem of their slow servers, thus, making the argument invalid. If the author had presented the problem and the method to solve the problem, the argument could be made stronger by presenting the end result. For example, if the problem was that the servers were too slow, the improvement of compressing emails into smaller files to bypass the slow servers, would convince the reader that the new technogolical improvments in emails will help resolve the corporate communication isssues.
The author also fails to relate the second sentence to the overall argument. He fails to connect how the usefulness of email helps the corporate communication problems. The second statment is true for emails in general, and does not necessarily support to the argument that the recent improvements of email would resolve the existing corporate communication issues.
If the author explained the three issues by providing what the new improvements were, what the existing communication problems are, and how the imrpovements will solve the communication problems, he would be able to make a much stronger argument. These inclusions would also help support the second sentense where the author lists the benefits of emails by clearly showing that the problem was resolved.
Please feel free to criticize away, this is the second essay I'm submitting for review. My GMAT is scheduled for early May and obviously I want to do really well. Thank you once again!
Prompt:"Recent technological improvements in electronic mail (E-mail) will resolve existing corporate communication problems. Vast quantities of information about products, services, and market transactions as well as most basic business communications, can be electronically exchanged, quickly and at a relatively low cost."
The argument that email is an essential tool in business is a valid one. The advent of email has been a great asset to businesses and will continue to be. However, the argument does not explain three key things: what the recent improvements were, what the existing corporate communication problems are, and how the new improvements in email will help corporate communications.
The first flaw in the argument is that the author fails to explain what the recent improvements were. Without knowing the improvements, one cannot compare how emails are now more useful. For example, if the author mentioned that the technological improvements in email is now that it doesn't need to be typed, but rather just dicated by a speaking person, the reader would be able to determine if this improvement is benefital to the company's corproate communications and if this improvement helped the company solve its communication problems.
The second flaw in the argument is that the author does not make clear what the corporate communication problems are. The reader has no way to determine whether the new improvements in email would help if they cannot know what needs help. The problem could be that their servers are too slow to support a large number of emails at any given time. If that is the case, any improvement that does not focus on the server would be fruitless.
The third issue that the author fails to communicate is how the improvements helped solve the communication problems. These are extremely hard to deduce considering the author did not present the problem or the solution. In the examples above, if dictation for emails were the new imrpovement, it would not solve the problem of their slow servers, thus, making the argument invalid. If the author had presented the problem and the method to solve the problem, the argument could be made stronger by presenting the end result. For example, if the problem was that the servers were too slow, the improvement of compressing emails into smaller files to bypass the slow servers, would convince the reader that the new technogolical improvments in emails will help resolve the corporate communication isssues.
The author also fails to relate the second sentence to the overall argument. He fails to connect how the usefulness of email helps the corporate communication problems. The second statment is true for emails in general, and does not necessarily support to the argument that the recent improvements of email would resolve the existing corporate communication issues.
If the author explained the three issues by providing what the new improvements were, what the existing communication problems are, and how the imrpovements will solve the communication problems, he would be able to make a much stronger argument. These inclusions would also help support the second sentense where the author lists the benefits of emails by clearly showing that the problem was resolved.
