Analysis of an Issue - Please Rate

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Analysis of an Issue - Please Rate

by neo_one » Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:07 am
AWA--Issue
Prompt: "As new technology makes it possible for people all over the world to communicate more easily than ever before, understanding among peoples will increase and conflict will decrease."
Assignment: Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion expressed above. Support your position with reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

RESPONSE -
The presenter of the issue if of the opinion that since technology is improving communication among various people, understanding among them would increase and conflit would decrease. Even though, how I wish this to be true, I disagree with the presenter here.

First of all, history shows us that the root cause of conflict has not been the lack of communication, but the greed of people. Historically many a wars have been fought because of the whim of a powerful leader. Take the case of Hitler. His reason for going to war was not some lack of communication with a neighbouring state, but his lust for power and his quest to rule the world. Better means of communication would hardly be a help here. Rather it would be used stratergically as a tool of battle.

Secondly conflict also results from the inherent differences that exists among the people. There is so much diversity in the world. People differ in skin color, race, languages they speak etc. These differences lead to conflicts between people. Educating people about these differences and making them realize the importance of tolerance and respect for other cultures is paramount in resolving these conflicts. Better communication alone would not go too far in ending these conflicts. In fact, in today's world, the communication is advanced enough, that people are aware of the different cultures. But still conflicts have not gone down.

Thus in conclusion, i would like to say that merely fecilitating better communication among people would not reduce conflicts. People have to me made to realize the importance of tolerance and harmony and the improtance of living in peace with each other.
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by grockit_andrea » Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:28 am
I think this essay would be a high three or a low four. You're doing some good things: you have strong organization, and your use of a real-life example (Hitler, in the second paragraph) is appropriate. However, your essay could benefit from an additional body paragraph with another strong supporting example. As it is, there's just not enough essay here to go over a 4. Length isn't supposed to be a real factor in your essay score, but shorter essays rarely score over a 4. Along those same lines, try to make your intro and conclusion paragraphs a big longer. Generally, a paragraph should have three or more sentences. In your introduction, you could briefly introduce the points that you will make in support of your thesis. That would help fill the paragraph out more and also make your organization even better.
Also, make sure you leave some time to edit your essay at the end. You have some problems with grammar and syntax, and also several typos. A few mistakes won't hurt your score, but if they become a consistent pattern, your score will suffer.
You've got a good start here; keep practicing!
Andrea A.
Grockit Tutor
https://www.grockit.com

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by neo_one » Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:44 am
Hi andrea,

Thanks for taking out time and rating my issue essay. I'll try to improve on them. Meanwhile can you also review my Argument essay also? I really need some feedback on them.

Thanks
neo

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