Pls evaluate the essay

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what is the weakling of this essay

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Pls evaluate the essay

by hey_thr67 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:30 pm
The desire of corporations to maximize profits creates conflict with the general welfare of the nation at large.

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations or reading.

My Response:

It is hard to satisfy everybody's greed. While in today's world, corporations are
vying for greater profits, economic scenarios have challenged them for looking
various options to opt for it. No doubt, all business have often harsh decisions
to make but labeling them as the crashers of welfare would be cruel to their
benevolent intentions. I feel no business can sustain a long term growth without
taking care of welfare of nation as ultimately it is for the people.

There are instances such as Coka cola when entered into indian market used
low quality material to make there beverages infect there were campaigns to
stop bottling the beverages as ph level in the drinks were too high for a normal
human apetite. When reported in news papers, the company was ostracized for
their inhuman way of doing business but eventually the company had to make
statements that it was not doing any bad in making their products and would
improve their qualities. So, it depends on the industries of what the means they
are choosing to improve their profits.

Secondly it depends on the type of business and kind of impact that decides the
welfare of a nation. For example, Toyota is a global brand. It has many
operations in and outside Japan. While most of its manufacturing operations
remain in nagoya, japan, Toyota prefers to manufacture country specific car
models in the country itself. Innova is a very popular model of Toyota in India.
The company has built a manufacturing facility in India giving employment to
locals and Toyota has reduced the shipping and logistics costs so the desire to
maximize the profit has resulted in welfare for India and the company both.
Increased profits for toyota has also profitted japan as the increased revenue
through taxes.


There are some industries which exploit nation's resources and generate
hurting the nation. Their want for bettering profits has led to creating hazards for
nearby environment. In that sense the host nation has to implement concrete
measures to cross out any hamper that may cause any long term damage to the
nation.

Cheap imports from outside countries may crack the domestic industries and it
is unto the nation to keep a check on them.

Despite the above two examples , we can not though label a cooperation of
being spoiler to nation. It is not always the case that a corporation would think
of the steps against the welfare of nation. The outsourcing business has in
large enabled india to grow at exponential rate.
Source: — GMAT Essays (AWA) |

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by vineeshp » Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:05 pm
I'd give a 5.5 if I was the computer evaluating this :)

Content is similar to what I would have attempted. Few things I noted are:

1) The beginning does not summarize the question. I know it sounds boring, but this is a sureshot way to give you maximum on the AWA.
2) The final two paragraphs are lacking in proper grammar. (Awkward)
3) There is a paragraph with just one sentence. It would be better to club it with the previous paragraph.
4) It would be beneficial to give ways to say "To conclude" in the last paragraph.

I suggest just following the template on AWA rather than trying to strike too much with very good writing skills because you don't want your brain taxed at the end of the first hour.

Again, all this my opinion. :) (Managed 6.0 on AWA twice with this though :D)
Vineesh,
Just telling you what I know and think. I am not the expert. :)

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by vineeshp » Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:06 pm
I also think the usage of weakling in the poll question is wrong.
Vineesh,
Just telling you what I know and think. I am not the expert. :)

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by hey_thr67 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:16 pm
Hi Vineesh,


Thanks for you useful reply. As I look at the essay again I find time to be bit less ... also do you think that the essay is lengthy ? I was not able to give it a second glance because of short time. Need to practice a lot on it.

thanks again

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by vineeshp » Sun Mar 20, 2011 5:13 am
Thank me by clicking the thanks button :D

Well, to be honest, I don't think it is worth the effort to dwell too much on AWA essays.

Sentence count wise, yes a bit long. 20 sentences is unnecessary. 15 should be max. Length is ok.

I would say work it like this, considering the srength of your argument does not matter.

Summarize the question. give your view (2 sentences)

1 counter point and example. (3)
2nd counter point and example. (3)
3rd point and example. (2-3)

Conclude (2-3 sentences)
Vineesh,
Just telling you what I know and think. I am not the expert. :)

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