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Rate my issue essay..thanks

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Rate my issue essay..thanks

by necromancer_678 » Mon Jul 20, 2009 12:42 am
“Since no business can be all things at once, companies that specialize in one product or service are more efficient than those that offer a diverse product mix.”

From your perspective, how accurate is the above statement? Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


The statement that no business can be all things at once and thus companies that specialize in one product are more efficient than those that offer a diverse product mix is a controversial one. In today's challenging environment a company needs to stay ahead of its competitors and offer more than one product or services. I disagree with the given statement and the following are the reasons to support my point of view.

Firstly, companies that specialize in only one product or service are at great risk. For instance, a company X manufactures parts for a particular car. Now, suppose the car manufacture Y decides to phase out this particular car and launch a new model which does not needs the parts manufactured by company X. Thus, the decision of company Y results in loss of business for company X and as a result loss in revenues.

Secondly, a company can maintain its profit by diversification of its business. For example, Apple was successful in the computers business, but still it ventured in to other fields. Iphone has been such a success all over the world. Thus, if the computer business starts to fall, the profits from the sale of Iphone can keep the profits up for the company. Through diversification a company has various ways to invest the profits earned from one service to increase the profitibility of another service provided by the same company.

In sum, a company should offer a diverse product mix and not just specialize in one product or service as the risks involved are less and also, the company can remain in profit even if one of its products is not doing well.

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This essay would earn a score of 4.5, meaning that one scorer would likely score it a 4, while another would likely score it a 5.

Your thesis is clear and the writing is succinct; your examples are well-chosen.

The reasons this essay did not a 5+ are:

1. Density. Simply put: write more. Use all of the allotted time.

2. Along the same lines: try to write 5 paragraphs. Follow the time-honored five-paragraph template of: Intro-body-body-body-conclusion. I'd love to share some radical new tips with you, but the truth is that the essay-readers like to see the 5 paragraph model -- so perhaps it's best to deliver it.

3. Try to avoid first-person pronouns, especially in the thesis. Instead of writing "I disagree with the given statements for the following reasons," write something along the lines of "The given statements are misleading because..." -- that is a much more powerful statement.

Thanks for sharing this essay. Please let me know if I can help your GMAT prep in any way.

Cheers,
Jose
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Founder and CEO, Knewton, Inc.
https://www.knewton.com/gmat

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by necromancer_678 » Tue Jul 21, 2009 9:35 am
Thanks a lot Jose for a detailed feedback. Really appreciate it ..
Will try to work on the points mentioned for sure.

One more thing...I was wondering is it right to use "Company X & Y" (para 2)..as in using X & Y and not referring to some actual names.
Does this earn me a negative or is it fine?

TIA!

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by Stacey Koprince » Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:02 am
Clear thesis: 2nd sentence of 1st paragraph.
3rd sentence of 1st paragraph doesn't add much - you've already stated your thesis, so we know you disagree.
First paragraph does not acknowledge the other side of the argument: there may be some circumstances in which specializing is actually the preferred path.

--> Note: you're never trying to say that your opinion is true 100% of the time. You're only trying to say, on balance, that your opinion is true more of the time than the other point of view.

2nd paragraph: clear main point. Example is hypothetical. Don't use hypotheticals - use real examples, things that actually happened. Also, spell out for me the difference in risk between a specialize company and a company with more product lines. For example, some car dealers sell only one brand, while others sell multiple brands. As part of the GM bankruptcy proceedings earlier this year, the company revoked the dealerships of a significant percentage of dealers. Those dealers that sold only one brand were stuck either finding a new sponsorship in a very short period of time or closing their dealerships entirely. By contrast those dealers that sold other brands were still hurt financially, of course, but they were more likely to be able to keep their businesses running.

3rd paragraph: Good real-world example. I'm not sure how the point here is truly different from the point of the 2nd para? There's a higher risk if you aren't diversified (2nd para) and lower risk if you are diversified (3rd para). Better to have a substantially new piece of evidence here, if you can think of one.

4th: clear conclusion. Only one sentence - needs to be longer. That sentence could have been split into two. Acknowledge the other side of this argument - what you're advocating is not necessarily the best way 100% of the time.
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by necromancer_678 » Thu Jul 23, 2009 7:21 am
Thanks a lot Stacey.
Truly appreciate such a detailed feedback from you...i have started implementing all these points in my AWA and hopefully will come out with a good one on my G-day :)

great job!! thanks once again