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## Friends.. can you help me by rating my essay

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gmatrant Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
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#### Friends.. can you help me by rating my essay

Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:16 am
My first essay.. pls give me your earnest feedback.. thanks.. would like to have your inputs on the following (you can add any comment of yours)
1.Length of the essay
2.Content
3.Style
4.Grammar
5.Improvements

For hundreds of years, the monetary system of most countries has been based on the exchange of metal coins and printed pieces of paper. However, because of recent developments in technology, the international community should consider replacing the entire system of coins and paper with a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits.

With technology comes change!. Human race has always been keen to adapt and embrace any new technology and it will be true that within a few decades from now monetary system based on metal coins and printed pieces of paper will be replaced with plastic cards embedded with digital chips that store more information about the owner of the card than one can perceive now. I truly believe that we should replace our current monetary system with electronic accounts of credits and debits.

The advantages in imbibing such a change is manifold. It creates a society that is more systematic and organized with respect to monetary transactions. Customers can ensure that they are always billed appropriately while government-tax agencies can easily keep track of defaulters as all transactions take place through an electronic medium.People can carry a card representing their electronic account and can use it to make transactions and doing so will also thwart thefts and will lead to a more safer society.Such a system will also reduce the need for banks as disbursement of money is no longer applicable.

The Retail sector can see immediate use of such debit and credit cards. The cards can be embedded with a chip containing customer details, shopping preferences, credit history, loyalty towards a particular shop and so forth. Such details can go a long way in harnessing customer satisfaction and creating one's shopping experience more wholesome.

Some might argue against changes to the current system because implementing such changes might be a heavy burden on the government.Further, some might argue that such a system has a more profound appeal in urban areas than rural areas as such a system requires people to be a techno-savvy and literate. Such issues are no doubt deterrents to the implementation of such a system, but one can argue otherwise too. A phased manner of implementing such a system would be a lesser burden on the Exchequer. The attempt to attribute illiteracy against technology is futile as continued usage of such a system will make people more aware with respect to electronic accounts, just as a few years back people did not know what computers were today people from rural areas have acquainted themselves to the computer as fine as people from the urban area do.

Thus in my opinion the current monetary system should be replace with a system that is much technically advanced where the international community can transact through an electronic medium and thereby reduce the hassles that one would have to encounter with the existing system.

Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:08 pm
One comment on your style: be sure to keep your language simple and clean. Phrases like "The advantages in imbibing such a change is manifold" will likely not be reviewed favorably by the human reviewer...

gmatrant Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
Joined
03 Oct 2007
Posted:
416 messages
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Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:02 pm
thanks a lot Guest..
I guess my 4th para is horrible, I have used the word 'system' too many times. Will work on my style a you have suggested.

Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:15 pm

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