Dear All,
I am a non native speaker - so need help to improve my essays.
Please leave your feedback.
thanks.
‘Art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illnesses. However, most doctors rarely recommend to patients some form of art or music therapy. Instead, doctors focus almost all of their attention on costly drug treatments and invasive procedures that carry serious risks and side-effects. By focusing on these expensive procedures rather than low-cost treatments such as art and music therapy, doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States.’
The author of the argument concludes that the doctors in United States are contributing to the rising cost of the health care by prescribing expensive drugs instead of low priced treatment like music and art. The author jumps the gun as he makes this conclusion. He fails to evidence a few facts which makes his argument vulnerable to attack.
The first weak point – the author mentions that art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illness. What the author fails to evidence here is the category or the type of physical or mental illness. He also fails to talk about the degree of illness. It would be really absurd to expect a person experiencing a high degree of depression to listen to music.
The second vulnerable point – the author talks about the serious risks and side effects of drugs. He fails to describe those risks or side effects. This leaves the reader with a less convincing opinion about the argument.
The third weak point – the author blames the doctors of United States for contributing to the rising cost of health care. In one’s opinion the blame is worded in offensive words and leaves the reader with a very low opinion about the doctors of the United States.
The author of the argument can make the argument stronger by not using strong and offensive words. He also needs to evidence stronger evidence and more logical data to support his conclusion. In short, he needs to provide comparative data which would help the reader to understand the positive effects of music and the way in which it has helped to cure the degree of illness.
I am a non native speaker - so need help to improve my essays.
Please leave your feedback.
thanks.
‘Art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illnesses. However, most doctors rarely recommend to patients some form of art or music therapy. Instead, doctors focus almost all of their attention on costly drug treatments and invasive procedures that carry serious risks and side-effects. By focusing on these expensive procedures rather than low-cost treatments such as art and music therapy, doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States.’
The author of the argument concludes that the doctors in United States are contributing to the rising cost of the health care by prescribing expensive drugs instead of low priced treatment like music and art. The author jumps the gun as he makes this conclusion. He fails to evidence a few facts which makes his argument vulnerable to attack.
The first weak point – the author mentions that art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illness. What the author fails to evidence here is the category or the type of physical or mental illness. He also fails to talk about the degree of illness. It would be really absurd to expect a person experiencing a high degree of depression to listen to music.
The second vulnerable point – the author talks about the serious risks and side effects of drugs. He fails to describe those risks or side effects. This leaves the reader with a less convincing opinion about the argument.
The third weak point – the author blames the doctors of United States for contributing to the rising cost of health care. In one’s opinion the blame is worded in offensive words and leaves the reader with a very low opinion about the doctors of the United States.
The author of the argument can make the argument stronger by not using strong and offensive words. He also needs to evidence stronger evidence and more logical data to support his conclusion. In short, he needs to provide comparative data which would help the reader to understand the positive effects of music and the way in which it has helped to cure the degree of illness.
