Essay Feedback Appreciated

[mnealbw]

This is an argument essay I wrote. I tried to stay true to the 30 minute time limit. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you!
Prompt:
The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.

"A recent national survey found that the majority of workers with access to the Internet at work had used company computers for personal or recreational activities, such as banking or playing games. In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Using electronic monitoring software is the best way to reduce the number of hours Climpson employees spend on personal or recreational activities. We predict that installing software to monitor employees' Internet use will allow us to prevent employees from wasting time, thereby increasing productivity and improving overall profits."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

Response:
The argument claims that implementing electronic monitoring of employees' internet use on workstations will decrease the amount of time wasted, as seen in other companies. This argument makes many assumptions without valid evidence to support its claims. Therefore, the argument is weak and has several flaws.

First the argument assumes that the recent national survey can be applied to Climpson Industries. The argument does not include any details regarding the survey. For example, the number or type of companies surveyed was not provided. In addition, no specific statistics are provided to support the claim that a majority of works were using company computers for personal activities. This could be improved by providing more detailed information regarding the survey and showing that the companies surveyed are quite similar to Climpson Industries in operating procedures.

In addition, the argument assumes implementing a monitoring system will completely rid the company of all time wasted on personal or recreational activities. The argument is completely overlooking other methods of wasting company time and money, such as employees taking longer breaks or spending time on personal devices such as cell phones or tablets. Merely monitoring the company's internet usage will not prevent employees from decreasing productivity altogether. If the company truly wants an increase in productivity, more than just an internet monitoring program needs to be implemented.

Lastly, the argument assumes that adding this internet monitoring program is the only way to increasing productivity and profits. There is no information provided regarding the company's past productivity and profit records over a period of time. It is possible that there has only been a recent drop in productivity or profits. This change could be explained by a number of reasons such as a downturn in the economy. The argument needs to provide evidence that a direct link between personal use of computers is what has caused the decrease in productivity and profits at Climpson Industries. Without the proper evidence included, this argument would have been a lot more convincing.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably stronger if the author had mentioned relevant facts related to the survey referenced and the demographics of Climpson Industries. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

[Katharine@GMATPrepNow]

Hello mnealbw,

I hope these comments help you prepare. My suggestions from your other essay might be helpful as you review this one.

Writing: In the first body paragraph, I think that you mean "majority of workers" instead of "majority of works." Try to avoid passive voice when possible (use "the argument overlooks" instead of "the argument is overlooking"). Otherwise there aren't significant errors.

Structure: There were no major issues with the structure. You clearly described the problems with the author's argument and had strong paragraphs. I liked how you had three body paragraphs instead of two, as in your previous response. Keep aiming for three when possible.

Arguments/Examples: You found several different examples of flaws in the author's argument, so you clearly understood the prompt. Good job using a variety of ideas, such as lack of data, not taking into account other factors, etc.

Suggestions for Improvement: I think that both responses you've posted were pretty good! As long as you can produce this kind of work under the time limit and still have a few minutes to read over your work, you should feel comfortable on test day.

[mnealbw]

Thank you so much for your response!

I plan on doing at least a couple of essays every week before I take my test. I just wanted an idea of where I stand, since it has been years since I've written essays like these. In your opinion, what do you think each of my essays would score? I would like to keep them above a 4-4.5. Also, is there any other suggestions you have in addition to your earlier comments to help me increase my scores?

Thank you again for your input

[Katharine@GMATPrepNow]

I think you need to add a little length to consistently hit the 5-6 range. Otherwise your essays seem strong.