GMAT Essays (AWA)

"In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake red meat or fatty cheese. Walking into the Heart's Delight, the store that started selling organic fruit and vegetable and whole grain flour in the 1906's, and you will also find the wide selection of high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of Good Earth Café, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires"

The argument claims that people are not concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake red meat or fatty content. The argument relies on the assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence the conclusion is unconving and has several flaws.
First, the argument readily assums that customers will have wide selection of high butterfat content of organic food and vegetable in Heart's Delight store means they do not care about regulating their intake of fatty foods. This is certainly weak assumption. Although, the store displays many kinds of these foods, the customers maybe do not chose to buy these fatty food because of their giving care to intake of fat-rich nutrient. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated that the amount of customer buying fatty food is increasing owning to wide range of this food.
Second, the argument concludes people's less care about consumption of fatty food nowadays based on the examples that the owner of Good Earth Café, an old vegetarian restaurant, is still making modest living, but the owner of the new House of Beef is millionaire. This claim is again weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate the correlation between lifestyle of shop owners with people's consumption habit. If the argument had provided that shop owners' lifestyle is tighly related to amount of consumed food of their shops, then the argument would have been lot more convincing.
Inconclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relavant facts. In this particular case, the author should indicate the relation between wide selection of fatty food and store possessor's lifestyle with consumption habit of customers today. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

1. Beware of spelling mistakes.

assums

unconving

are examples.

2.

The argument relies on the assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence the conclusion is unconving and has several flaws.

There are two sentences in this, yet no real content or value has been added. "The argument is flawed as the author has made many assumptions" is enough.

3.

Second, the argument concludes people's less care about consumption

This lacks about or that just after concludes. If adding that, then the sentence has to be changed. Even if you add about, it sounds unidiomatic "People's less care" sounds unidiomatic.

Basically my point is use simpler english. Make sure each statement adds value.

Use a good template.
https://www.beatthegmat.com/mba/2009/09/ ... ment-essay may help.
Give yourself time to re-read the essay and correct spelling errors.