GMAT Essays (AWA)

Follwing is an AOI essay... Please rate it!!!

ESSAY QUESTION:
"Some people claim that the measure of a successful government is in how well it directly supports the poorer members of society. Others claim that if the government focuses on lifting the wealthier members, the benefits will reverberate throughout the social structure and the standard of living will rise for everyone."

In your view, to what extent should government be responsible for supporting those members of society who struggle to support themselves? Explain, giving relevant reasons and/or examples to support your position.


YOUR RESPONSE:
The government should be, to a large extent, responsible for supporting the poor members of the society. There is hardly anyone as powerful as government to have an impact on poor people of the society. We must know a fact that poor people are poor by chance and not by choice. No other problem could be as big as the economic problem. So, the government has a very important role to play in helping these poor people to live their lives in a fair manner. The government should make sure that the poor people are able to meet with their basic requirements of life such as food, shelter etc. It should come up with plans that help poor live a better life. The government should subsidize the prices of basic products required for day to day living so that they are available at an even affordable rate to poor people. Similarly, the government should provide, if not permanent, a temporary housing to the people who cannot afford basic housing. In this way, government can help poor people of the society live a healthy life.

However, deciding the success of government on this parameter is not valid. The poor people may never be happy about what they are getting from the government because human wants are ever changing and never ending. So, no matter how much help the government actually provides to these poor people, their feedback may still be negative. The wealthier members of the society can not be avoided from giving attention. After all, they are largely responsible for the development and growth of the country and also provide employment to a large amount of people of the country. If they are given some additional attention from the government, their businesses will grow which will increase their revenues and thus eventually it will increase the tax revenues of government. Expansion in business also guarantees an increase in employment. Some of these jobs may be grabbed by poor people of the society and, thus, this can help in removing poverty partially.

So, the government has to maintain a proper balance between how much attention to give to poor people of the society and how much attention to give to wealthier members. After all, they are related to each other in some or the other way and are equally important to the government.

I'd score this a 3.5 or a 4; you have some strong points, but your essay would be improved if it were longer, more structured, and included specific examples. Talking about different governments and their policies, for example, would help to expand your essay and make it more persuasive. That would also allow you to break your essay into more paragraphs-- I think 5 is a good number, but really you should just use as many as it takes to get your points across. Use no more than one example per paragraph, to avoid confusion, and make sure to have a separate introductory paragraph in which you clearly state your thesis and mention your supporting points.
You've got a good start with your ideas, but putting it into a more organized and detailed format will improve your score. Good luck!

Thank you Andrea. I shall work on the points you mentioned.