Please review my AWA, need to improve

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Please review my AWA, need to improve

by Architj » Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:06 am
Small and messed up, i was not able to get any points to write, please help. Thanks!!!

Argument:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a corporate newsletter:
"The common notion that workers are generally apathetic about management issues is false, or at least outdated: a recently published survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs."

Analysis:

The argument states that workers want to get involved in corporate decisions. This was determined by the survey conducted in which majority of workers expressed interest in this. The argument is poorly reasoned, based on several questionable premises and assumptions, and based solely on the evidence offered; we cannot accept this argument as valid.

The primary issue in authors reasoning lies in his unsubstantiated premises. A survey is estimation and not a fact. The information acquired from survey cannot be accepted completely. It's not necessary that if workers are expressing interest in corporate decision, they should be involved. For eg: suppose a shoe manufacturing company decides to ask workers for their view on making or for any other such activity, it is not necessary for the company to accept completely what workers suggest. The arguments premises, the basis for it lack any legitimate evidentiary support and render the conclusion unacceptable.

In addition, the argument states several assumptions that remain unproven. Firstly, depending completely on the survey is invalid as surveys cannot provide factual information. Secondly, the workers have just expressed their interest that does not mean that they are completely interested to get involved in corporate decisions; they have just provided a view of what they feel. Thirdly, the common notion is assumed to be false depending on the survey, it may be possible that workers are not interested with management issues. The argument is weakened by failing to provide explication of links between information provided by survey and workers view in management issues which is assumed to exists.

In sum, the argument does not provide complete information about workers interest in management issues or corporate decisions and is just depending on the information provided by the survey. If the argument truly hopes to change readers mind on the issue, it would have to largely restructure, fix the flaws in logic, clearly explicate the assumption, and provide evidentiary support. Without these things the poorly reasoned argument will likely convince few people.

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by [email protected] » Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:51 pm
Hello Architj,

In your previous post, I recommended making sure that your intro is just as strong as your conclusion and checking for writing errors.

Writing: Remember to write about the "author's" reasoning, not the "authors" reasoning. You have several confusing sentences (review the intro for examples) that could be broken up into shorter, clearer sentences.

Structure: Your intro was better and clearly addressed the prompt, but your conclusion could use a little more work. For the last essay you wrote, it was the intro that was weak and the conclusion that was strong. I wonder if you're spending most of your time on the body paragraphs and running out of time for the beginning/end of the essay. It would have been nice to see three body paragraphs, but I understand that's hard to do under a time crunch.

Arguments/Examples: You mostly talked about the problems with the survey, instead of showing other reasons why the argument may be invalid. You mentioned having trouble with your examples in your response. If you give me some specific questions or ideas about the prompt, we can brainstorm examples together.

Suggestions for Improvement: Keep working on the writing errors and intro/conclusion. Try to get the section done with five minutes to spare so you can catch any writing mistakes. I know that's a difficult task, but you have plenty of time to keep working.

-Katharine
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by Architj » Fri Apr 24, 2015 3:13 am
Please help me with some examples.

Thanks!!!

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by [email protected] » Sat Apr 25, 2015 11:41 am
Hi Architj,

Before we pick examples, let's think about the prompt. The author says that a recent survey disproves the idea that workers are apathetic about management issues. In other words, workers now ARE interested in management issues, particularly "corporate restructuring" benefit programs.

First of all, we can find problems with the survey, which you did in your essay. How recent was this survey? How were workers picked to take the survey? Maybe only workers who cared about management responded, but others who did not care left the survey blank. What types of workers took the survey?

Another type of example would be how the author makes generalizations: the author assumes these workers represent all workers and that caring about restructuring and benefits is the same thing as caring about general management issues.

A third flaw is the lack of evidence. How can the author say that this "common notion" is outdated if the author only provides one recent survey? How do we know how workers felt about management issues before?

I hope these ideas help. If you have more questions, please let me know.

-Katharine
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by Architj » Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:20 pm
Thanks
Now i get an idea. :)