GMAT Essays (AWA)

Please rate my essay.

ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in an article in a consumer-electronics magazine:

"Company X's latest model of digital camera to be released next month, the TR12, is being promoted as the most portable, user-friendly digital camera available, and also an excellent bargain. It can be expected to live up to these claims, because Company X's previous model, the TR11, was universally lauded as setting the standard in these areas last year."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.


MY RESPONSE:

The article appeared in a consumer-electronics magazine states hat company X's latest digital camera model TR12 can be expected to live up to these claims.While making this argument the author gives reference of the earlier model TR11,launched by the same company.At first the argument may look appealing,but on closer scrutiny it falls apart on many fronts.
The primary issue lies in author's reasoning.He simply states that whatever claims the company X has made while promoting the product are true claims.Whenever a certain firm launches a new product it claims that the product offered by it has many advanced features,its very cheap etc.It may be possible that the camera is not all user friendly.It may be portable,but the mechanism of portability it uses is very poor and it may not work after using for some period.Also it is possible that some other electronic company is offering the same product of not better at a price lesser than that offered by company X's.One just cannot make any argument by just seeing the promotion banners put by the company X everywhere.One should actually handle the product before making such arguments.
Secondly,the evidence given by author while making the argument is not strong.He states that the earlier product launched by company X was lauded universally and hence,TR 12 will also be a good product.
It may be possible TR11 had many unique certain features no other camera manufactured before that had.So everyone was applauding for these new multiple technological innovations in a single product.Even if TR12 has some unique feature,it may be possible that rival has already launched such product in the market.Hence TR12 won't attract much public attention.Whenever a certain thing is new in the market it becomes very popular and catches good market.When "Orkut" was launched first by Google ,it had become very popular.Later Google launched "Buzz",which hardly anybody noticed and used.In addition to above, the author also needs to take into consideration the market status.It may be possible that when TR11 was launched it was a peak time and everyone in the market was finding out ways to manufacture a totally unique product.Now people may not be that interested.It may be possible that people are interested in some other products now.It may be possible that the trend is such that people prefer to have camera in their cell phones instead of having separate cameras.
In sum, the illogical argument made by author is based on unsupported premises and faulty assumptions.Hence it does not hold any water.If the author wants to convince the readers,he needs to largely restructure the argument,fix the flaws,clearly state the evidences,provided substantial evidences,without which the argument is likely to convince only few people.

In the AWA please take care of indentation of each paragaraph (with 5 spaces) and a line between each space.

The introductory paragraph needs to be more impressive.
The reason why the argument falls apart should be briefly mentioned.
" it falls apart on many fronts" , becuase its based on false assumptions....

The 2 body paragraphs are big and lack transition words (ereader would need to find such words..)
[Maybe have 3 body paragraphs with each having an example. The third body paragraph at times shows both sides of the story(or a good point of the pt we are opposing) in one line and then immediately in the next line points to something strengthening our point of view, is very impressive. Try to inculcate that.]

A strong point should be part of the first body paragraph.
To me it seems that the argument that a past model cannot predict performance of a future model is strong. Your 2nd body para could have been 1st body para.

Doubting the genuineness is secondary.

A tertiary point which could have been added is, that it lacks support of fact or figures of it being a bargain,
or support of a prelaunch market survey/expert analysis of it being more portable/userfriendly

The following closing sentence seems to be generic:
"If the author wants to convince the readers,he needs to largely restructure the argument,fix the flaws,clearly state the evidences,provided substantial evidences,without which the argument is likely to convince only few people."
Be more specific about the advice you give, so the argument could be conclusive.

Perhaps this is a 4.5 passage.