GMAT Essays (AWA)

Hi experts,

Appreciate if you can help to evaluate and rate my AWA. My target is to get at least 5. Please advise me how I can improve. Thanks.

cheers,
Pau

Argument:
The following appeared as part of an article in a health club trade publication:
"After experiencing a decline in usage by its members, Healthy Heart fitness center built an indoor pool. Since usage did not increase significantly, it appears that health club managers should adopt another approach-lowering membership fees rather than installing expensive new features."

RESPONSE:

The author concludes that health club managers should lower membership fees rather than installing expensive new feature, because member usage did not increase even after the manager built an indoor pool. Although the argument may have some merit, the author presents poorly reasoned argument based on unsubstantiated premises and questionable assumptions.

Most conspicuously, author fails to consider other factors that could affect the number of usage. In his argument, author mistakenly assumes that the newly built indoor pool does not attract member. However, it is quite possible that the newly built pool increases the membership usage, while the total number of usage remains the same. For instance, some cardiovascular equipment is out of order, thereby reducing the number of usage significantly. But the newly built pool which attracts many members helps to maintain the number of usage. If true, the author's argument to switch to another plan will be flawed. The author's failure to investigate or even consider other possible explanations for Healthy Heart's poor result renders the argument highly suspect.

Furthermore, author gratuitously assumes that price is the primary reason for customer to join Health Hearty Club. While this assumption might be tempting, it is not always true. For example, other reason such as personal training program might other reason such as personal training program might other reason such as personal training program might be primary factor for customer to join Health Hearty Club. Without compelling evidence to support the causal connection between membership usage and low price, the author's recommendation are not worthy of consideration.

Because the argument leaves out several key issues, it is not sound or persuasive. The author would have to prove that no other factor cause the poor result and that price is the primary factor for customer to join gym membership.


Issue:

"Courtesy is rapidly disappearing from everyday interactions, and as a result, we are all the poorer for it."

RESPONSE:

The issue whether the courtesy is disappearing is a controversial one. On the one hand, some people claim that courtesy is rapidly disappearing from everyday interaction, and as a result, we are the poorer of it. On the other hand, some people believe that courtesy is not disappearing and that society embraces courtesy now more than ever. However, in the final analysis, I believe that courtesy is prominent in the society.

The primary reason of my view is that nowadays more people are educated than decades ago. Through education, people learn how to respect and be courteous to other people. Education not only teaches students about courtesy, but also requires student to apply it through various programs. For example, Raffles High School, one of the best high schools in Singapore, recently launched 'Be Considerate' campaign that requires student to do courteous action in society everyday for a month. The school also asked the student to log down all the activities they had done. After a month, most students reported that the school's program helped students to make courtesy as their habit. Clearly, it can be seen from this example that education greatly helps society to be more courteous. As more people are educated now, we can see that more people in society are embracing courtesy.

Another reason of my view is that government has put a lot of effort to embrace the courteous action in society. For instance, Singapore Government has launched many programs to promote courtesy in society, such as 'National Courtesy Campaign'. In this campaign, government pasted many posters in many public places, such as train and bus, to encourage people to do courteous action. One of the posters was a picture with elder and pregnant woman who suffered in the public train because they couldn't find a seat. Looking at the poster in public train, some young people gave up their seats and offer these seats to needy people. The campaign went successful and as a result, Singapore society is now more courteous than before. It can be seen clearly from this example that courtesy is not disappearing in our society. In fact, government really put a lot of effort to embrace courtesy in the society.

In summary, government efforts and school campaigns clearly show how society tries to embrace courtesy. Those people who argue that the courtesy is disappearing in our society might have forgotten that they tend to remember bad things and not appreciate good things

look good at first glance. Some observations

1. In intro part finally word used...it should be saved for conclusion

2. Transitions can be better articulated

3. Both examples are taken locally, atleast one of them should be international.


I am not an expert just sharing my views... In case I observed something wrong please excuse me.