Could some one please cast his/her opinion and suggestion for improvement in the following stub. Please let me know if this stub is understandable to you or not. This stub is intended as one of the three accomplishment stubs required in typical MBA essays.
Thanks in advance for your help.
For my second achievement, I would like to present the job offer that I got from Barclays capital. I had a long cherished dream of joining an investment bank. By the time I could procure adequate visa and be in UK to hunt a job, it was middle of year 2009. The recession was at its peak, the job market was frozen and the employers were very choosy in recruiting. To add to these difficulties, I had to find a job well before my stint in UK was over. Despite these defeating and frustrating constraints, I was determined to find a job. After over four months of unflinching struggle, I got the first invitation for an interview, which was from Barclays Capital. I knew I had to use this opportunity to get the job. It was a now or never situation, as my stint in UK was for just another month. Doing well in every successive round of interview, I made it through. I was offered the job by Barclays Capital and I thus realized my dreams.
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Accomplishment evaluation
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ronniecoleman
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I'll preface my statements with this. I've never been on an admissions committee, nor have I successfully been admitted into an MBA program (yet, anyways). However, I've had several years of experience in reviewing resumes, cover letters and hiring inside of a Fortune 500, so I'll hit on this from that perspective. Also, I'm pretty blunt in my overall critiques, but please understand this is my opinion, and I wholeheartedly admit I could be totally wrong.
If your heart is set on this particular statement, here's what I see from the grammatical side :
1. Your use of singular/plural nouns needs to be tweaked. ie: dream/dreams, interview/interviews.
2. In spoken form, "I would like to present" is a great introduction. . . not so much in the written.
3. Your use of adjectives seems forced.
In terms of the message :
You have an entire paragraph loaded with descriptors for what can be summed up with "I got a job in a bad economy because I didn't give up." I've got to think there's a great story behind this, but nowhere do you touch on the "how" part of this. I'd ask the questions -- what did you do to get an interview? Did you camp out in front of the building with a sandiwich board? Did you sit by the phone and wait for it to ring? Your statement doesn't give a whole lot
In terms of style :
The word "robotic" comes to mind -- kinda like an instruction manual I realize what the statement is intended for, and it needs to be professional, but I'd recommend adding some sort of flare to it. It's tough for my to make further recommendations because I dont know the meat of the rest of the story, otherwise I'd throw a little something together.
Thats my two cents...
-Eric
I'll preface my statements with this. I've never been on an admissions committee, nor have I successfully been admitted into an MBA program (yet, anyways). However, I've had several years of experience in reviewing resumes, cover letters and hiring inside of a Fortune 500, so I'll hit on this from that perspective. Also, I'm pretty blunt in my overall critiques, but please understand this is my opinion, and I wholeheartedly admit I could be totally wrong.
If your heart is set on this particular statement, here's what I see from the grammatical side :
1. Your use of singular/plural nouns needs to be tweaked. ie: dream/dreams, interview/interviews.
2. In spoken form, "I would like to present" is a great introduction. . . not so much in the written.
3. Your use of adjectives seems forced.
In terms of the message :
You have an entire paragraph loaded with descriptors for what can be summed up with "I got a job in a bad economy because I didn't give up." I've got to think there's a great story behind this, but nowhere do you touch on the "how" part of this. I'd ask the questions -- what did you do to get an interview? Did you camp out in front of the building with a sandiwich board? Did you sit by the phone and wait for it to ring? Your statement doesn't give a whole lot
In terms of style :
The word "robotic" comes to mind -- kinda like an instruction manual
I realize what the statement is intended for, and it needs to be professional, but I'd recommend adding some sort of flare to it. It's tough for my to make further recommendations because I dont know the meat of the rest of the story, otherwise I'd throw a little something together. Thats my two cents...
-Eric
Hello Eric,
Thanks a lot for your input. They are indeed valuable. I have made the changes as you advised. Please have a read through. I do understand your input regarding use of adjectives and I did have my eye on reducing them. But id they still are there, then they can be spotted by someone other than me. Could you kindly point out such mistakes in the paragraph below. I will correct them. Once again, thanks a lot for your help.
For my second achievement, I would like to mention the job offer that I got from Barclays capital. I had a long cherished dream of joining an investment bank. By the time I could get visa and be in London to hunt a job, it was middle of year 2009, when the recession was at its peak. My stay in UK was for short period of time and thus I had to find job within this short time. The job market had become highly competetive due to sporadic job openings and glut of laid-off employees. After a few weeks of job hunt, I reallised that I would need have more technologies in my skill-set with a good command on them, before I could expect an interview call. I started attending evening classes and crash course in both technology and business. Back home at night I honed my learning through self-study, practical programming and exercises. To guage my progress and develop confidence, I did self evaluation through tests and mock interviews available on internet. Besides this I would skim through job portals everyday and call up the job consultants. The main challenge of job search was staying postive amidst of all the negatives. Also, I did not let the fact that I already had a job make me complacent, however bleak the prospects of new job. I continued on with my search and finally, after four months of struggle, I got the first invitation for an interview from Barclays Capital. I knew this was the only opportunity for me to get a job, as my stint in UK was about to end. I had to make it. I did well in every successive round of interview and made it through. I was offered the job by Barclays Capital and I thus realized my dream.
Thanks a lot for your input. They are indeed valuable. I have made the changes as you advised. Please have a read through. I do understand your input regarding use of adjectives and I did have my eye on reducing them. But id they still are there, then they can be spotted by someone other than me. Could you kindly point out such mistakes in the paragraph below. I will correct them. Once again, thanks a lot for your help.
For my second achievement, I would like to mention the job offer that I got from Barclays capital. I had a long cherished dream of joining an investment bank. By the time I could get visa and be in London to hunt a job, it was middle of year 2009, when the recession was at its peak. My stay in UK was for short period of time and thus I had to find job within this short time. The job market had become highly competetive due to sporadic job openings and glut of laid-off employees. After a few weeks of job hunt, I reallised that I would need have more technologies in my skill-set with a good command on them, before I could expect an interview call. I started attending evening classes and crash course in both technology and business. Back home at night I honed my learning through self-study, practical programming and exercises. To guage my progress and develop confidence, I did self evaluation through tests and mock interviews available on internet. Besides this I would skim through job portals everyday and call up the job consultants. The main challenge of job search was staying postive amidst of all the negatives. Also, I did not let the fact that I already had a job make me complacent, however bleak the prospects of new job. I continued on with my search and finally, after four months of struggle, I got the first invitation for an interview from Barclays Capital. I knew this was the only opportunity for me to get a job, as my stint in UK was about to end. I had to make it. I did well in every successive round of interview and made it through. I was offered the job by Barclays Capital and I thus realized my dream.
