Application essay 1, feedback please!!

The question:

"What are your specific post-graduate short-term and long-term goals? How will a graduate degree from the Robert H. Smith School of Business assist you in achieving your goals? Finally, please discuss your personal and professional motivations for pursuing a graduate degree. Please limit your response to 2 pages, double-spaced."

My Essay:

Passion is the fuel that drives me. My passion fulfills and gratifies me and it gives me the motivation I need to succeed. Sports are the theme of my life, my fervor, my ardor, my passion. It has been said that the best job you can have is one in which you feel like you have never worked a day in your life; I couldn't agree more. To carry out my life and work in harmony is my ultimate goal; however I have several short-term goals I must accomplish first before attaining the ultimate goal.

Following my graduation from The University of Maryland Robert H. Smith Business School MBA program, one of my first goals is to land a job in the sports marketing field. Marketing is another one of my passions that I found while volunteering to help small businesses develop marketing plans. Marketing a small company and a large company is very different, however I feel confident in advancing both. Another short-term goal that I would like to achieve is to find a position that is challenging and new everyday. A stagnant, repetitive job is not right for me, which is something that I have learned through prior experience.

After I get settled into a job that I enjoy and can gain personal satisfaction from, I have several goals that I would like to accomplish over the long-term before I can achieve my ultimate goal. A leadership position fits well with my work ethic and enthusiasm. To be an asset to the company I work for I must prove that I can handle responsibility, and that responsibility can come from leading others. My second long-term goal is to feel like I have given the customers of my company a product or service I am proud of showcasing. That feeling comes from the customer service and product quality my company offers to their customers. I refuse to compromise this feeling by working for the Phillip Morris's and the Enron's of the world.

The Robert H. Smith School of Business has produced many outstanding MBAs in their 88 years of establishment. Two of those alumni are champions in their respective fields and idols of mine. Carleton Fiorina is one of those idols. She started out as a receptionist and secretary and through the benefit of a UMD MBA, she rose to be the CEO of Hewlett-Packard. Her determination and willingness to start at the bottom and work her way up is an inspiration to me, since I too am starting in a receptionist position right after graduating college. Cindy Davis is another alumnus that I have great respect and admiration for. She is currently the new U.S. General Manager for Nike Golf by resigning from her previous position as Senior Vice President of The Golf Channel. She is a great golfer and leader who is a great inspiration for me. A person who can achieve so much through their passion in life is a testament to my goals and aspirations that I wish to achieve.

Personally I can relate to these two women because I have the same determination and drive to become the best leader and asset to my company that I can. My competitiveness is one of the reasons that I chose to pursue an MBA at UMD. In order to be the best asset to my company I must hone and raise my skill levels, and as evidenced by the two aforementioned alumni that can be accomplished at Smith

Local businesses know the reputation of R. H. Smith, and flock to recruiting events every spring to bid for the best and brightest Smith has to offer. It would be inane to think that I could accomplish my goals as swiftly and expertly without a Smith MBA as I could with one. My goals are my own to achieve and they will be achieved in time, however I hope that you enable me to realize those goals in the best way possible, through an MBA earned at The Robert H. Smith School of Business.

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