The Application Process

Below is the essay question for U.MD Smith, followed by by response.
I would get someone's feedback.

Thanks for your help.

Essay question: What are your personal and professional motivations for pursuing an graduate business degree? How will a graduate degree from the Robert H. Smith School of Business assist you in achieving your goals? Finally, please discuss your specific post-graduate business degree short-term and long-term career goals.

My response:

It was the 4th Thursday in November, and the temperature inside of our five-person igloo was only 15 degrees. These were “balmy” conditions compared to what was outside: negative 30-degree air and 40 mile-per-hour winds whipping though the Wind River mountain range in western Wyoming. 

Sixteen straight days in these conditions had taught me that being exposed to extreme cold for extended periods has a way of eating at your soul and dimming your wits. At 3:00 a.m. on that sleepless night, we huddled for warmth and anxiously awaited a sunrise that would mark our 17th day. I knew that our 
morale had hit rock bottom that night, I knew that many challenges lay ahead, and I knew that I was neither the most experienced nor the most physically gifted mountaineer in the group. So when a falling tree limb struck and ripped a hole through the wall of our shelter, it was with a mixed sense of surprise, pride, and reaffirmation of purpose that I found myself the only one of the group able to muster the will to venture outside of our shelter into the biting cold and wind to repair it.
Before that night I knew that leadership, helping others, and advancing boldly to solve problems came naturally to me, but I will also look back at this moment as a turning point in my life, when I stepped outside of that shelter and proved to myself and others that I truly am a born leader. This is one of the driving forces motivating me to pursue a graduate business degree: to place myself in a position to put my natural leadership skills to good use. There are two other driving forces behind this decision: my desire to see and experience everything this world has to offer and my desire to make my mark on it.
If there was enough time, I would learn the language and philosophy of every culture, and visit every corner of the earth, in an effort to achieve absolute perspective. 



I have traveled throughout North, Central, and South America, Europe, and the Caribbean. I lived in Spain and mastered the Spanish language and its culture. I have seen the human and concrete scars caused by decades of violence in Northern Ireland, and witnessed firsthand the profound conflict that continues to enflame Catholics and Protestants in that country. My search for adventure and wisdom has taught me many valuable lessons. However, the most powerful lesson I have learned is that the more I experience, the more I realize how little I know and how much more there is to see and learn. This is where business school fits in -- I believe that a business degree would be the perfect mechanism to channel my natural leadership abilities, I believe that the skills I would acquire and the diverse individuals I would learn from would equip me with great perspective and the tools to promote change, and ultimately, I believe that it would help me make my mark in the business world.


Specifically, I hope to develop the skills that I need to accomplish my short and long-term professional goals: first, to become the director of marketing at an emerging business that recognizes the need for broad new marketing strategies and is prepared to take the necessary risks required to become an innovator in its field and that would allow me to travel internationally to help develop a global brand; and second, to create my own global brand focused on providing adventure and educational travel excursions to urban and exotic locations throughout the world.
I realize that the concept of “branding” in marketing is not a new one; however, the use of this term has become increasingly popular in recent years. David Ogilvy, who is widely regarded as the “Grandfather” of branding, offered the following definition of branding:
“The intangible sum of a product's attributes: its name, packaging, and price, its history, its reputation, and the way it’s advertised.”


Based on this definition, it is clear to me that in order to properly brand a product or service, one must have a complete understanding of economics, finance, and product development, as well as an in-depth perspective of the potential consumers to whom the product or service is to be marketed. 







I recognize that consumers no longer have to rely on traditional media outlets for information that will help shape their own opinions about a product or service, and this requires businesses to incorporate comprehensive branding methods that go beyond traditional advertising. Businesses must orchestrate all current and future corporate branding initiatives from a global perspective. With all apologies to Thomas L. Friedman, indeed, the world is truly flat. It is in light of this fact that I personally place such a high value on the importance of seeing the world and experiencing its wide range of cultures. I believe that the exceptional marketing department at the Robert H. Smith School of Business would provide me with the skills and global outlook needed to put my branding philosophy to work, I know that my long-term business goal – to create an adventure and educational travel business – would not be the first of its kind, but I also know that the Smith School would be the ideal environment to help set me on my quest to make it the first on people’s minds. As Mr. Ogilvy once said, 

"Don't bunt. Aim out of the ballpark. Aim for the company of immortals."

I really enjoyed your essay. I am no expert, just another grad school app but here is my feedback:

Perhaps "the 4th Thursday" can have more imagery "The end of November was the prelude to an unusally cold winter"

This part was a little disconnected and wordy for me:
However, the most powerful lesson I have learned is that the more I experience, the more I realize how little I know and how much more there is to see and learn. This is where business school fits in -- I believe that a business degree would be the perfect mechanism to channel my natural leadership abilities, I believe that the skills I would acquire and the diverse individuals I would learn from would equip me with great perspective and the tools to promote change, and ultimately, I believe that it would help me make my mark in the business world.

Is "however" the correct transition?
I realize that the concept of “branding” in marketing is not a new one; however, the use of this term has become increasingly popular in recent years.

This is also a bit unclear about how it ties to your long term goals:
What are "comprehensive branding methods"?
I recognize that consumers no longer have to rely on traditional media outlets for information that will help shape their own opinions about a product or service, and this requires businesses to incorporate comprehensive branding methods that go beyond traditional advertising. Businesses must orchestrate all current and future corporate branding initiatives from a global perspective. With all apologies to Thomas L. Friedman, indeed, the world is truly flat. It is in light of this fact that I personally place such a high value on the importance of seeing the world and experiencing its wide range of cultures.

Good luck

Powerful essay but IMO it might need some specific - more detailed goals :

to become the director of marketing at an emerging business that recognizes the need for broad new marketing strategies and is prepared to take the necessary risks required to become an innovator in its field and that would allow me to travel internationally to help develop a global brand

I would try to give an example of a business rather than just putting " an emerging business "

Good luck!

Hi,

Great beginning! It draws the reader into your story. I agree with the above posts to give more concrete examples in answer to the essay questions. You also need to come to the answers sooner, preferably in the first paragraph. Your first paragraph, or 2nd if a long essay, should be almost an executive summary of your entire essay.

I would also tighten the language. There are some run-on sentences and overuse of "I". I recommend putting more into the "why Smith" part beyond having a good marketing program. Any specific unique programs, famous alums, special classes or contests? It would also be good if you could be as concrete and descriptive with your goals and how the MBA can help you achieve them as you are with your intro.

Good luck! I have been working with people on with their MBA application essays for nearly a decade and would be happy to discuss more in private. I can give free quotes plus editing tips based on a draft essay, or start from scratch with an interview to create an initial outline.

Best,
Jennifer