GMAT Essays (AWA)

This is my first time writing the essay with the time limit and I had a difficult time keeping up. I would have liked to have written more and took a little more time to edit the sentences. In any case, I would like to know what score I am looking at with the essay written below.



The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.

Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.


My essay:

The passage describes Federville Farms summer camp as the best choice for parents considering to send their children to camp; however, the passage does not include conclusive evidence as to why this camp is the best. To back up the "best" claim, the camp describes rankings with little or no evidence to support them as well as other ambiguous words or statements that lack justification.

The paragraph states, "Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities," however, there are no facts to support this claim. It is crucial to know who ranked the camp, what process was used to rank the camp and what the sample amount was. For example, was the camp ranked by parents of campers, the camps themselves or employees of the camp. Each group may have a different opinion of what is most important at the camp, which could skew results. It is also important to know how the rankings were developed. Was it though a survey or were respondents interviewed in person? What questions were asked to make the conclusion of the ranking? Lastly, and maybe most critical, is the sample size of respondents that were used to produce the ranking. Does the sample group represent the whole or were there too few people for the rankings to be accurate?

The passage claims that the camp is very safe, but does not follow up with enough details to support its statement. First of all, the passage states that because the camp is family owned and operated, parents do not have to worry about their child's safety. There is no clear correlation between family owned camps and safety. The passage also states that the camp employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. This is not conclusive evidence because other camps may have lifeguards with other certifications or training. Lifeguards are typically needed to supervise swimming, so if a camp does have swimming facilities or lakes, lifeguards may not be necessary. Additionally, the term safety is an ambiguous, all-encompassing term. The passage does not mention any other precautions other than lifeguarding that would help to ensure safety.

In order to strengthen Federville Farm's claim as the "best" choice for summer camps, it should edit the passage to include more reasoning and justification to support its rankings as well as its safety claim. Without more details, Federville Farms summer camp cannot be concluded as the "best" summer camp.